NORMAL

I feel tired and nauseated. Part of me wants to continue on this beaten path, this uphill battle -- "It's going to be all worth it in the end!" I can hear my positive inner voice cheer me on; yet, the other half of me just wants to lie down and sleep forever.

The good thing about having a really tiring job is that I haven't had as much time to feel bad about everything else. Despite how difficult it is in general, not even counting yet the pedestal of expectation my boss has put me on recently, the fact that I have a job makes me feel normal -- like everybody else.

As I took a break from standing all day to recalculate formulas on Tony's desk, I suddenly had a vision -- no wait, moment is a better word. I had a moment. I sat erect on his chair, the pencil stopped abruptly on the dirty, ink-filled paper. I envisioned myself waking up the next morning, getting ready for work, driving to work -- a normal day. I saw myself meeting someone nice in the long run -- getting married, buying a house, having kids, working and being... normal. But you know what, at the moment, it seemed all so possible -- and the gagging that usually comes with the thought of being a 9-5 office person wasn't present. It actually felt alright.

Of course, now the gagging is back and the thought of it makes me nauseous. But it was instantaneous and unbelievably real.

Oh, it's horrible. It's horrible...