Here again I sit, with an empty canvas, a paintbrush, my pallet, a head buzzing with thoughts, and a heart raging with emotions, yet... nothing.
I still can't figure out what I'm lacking. I used to be able to write so freely and carelessly. I like to attribute it to a loss of innocence, but experience convinces me that it's naivety. Or perhaps it's just a lack of inspiration. If so, well, I've been quite uninspired for far too long now.
I need a change in pace, environment, scenery. I miss the mountains I visited in September. I miss the fresh, cold air, the solitude, the campfires, being able to run on the dirt road, heart pounding not just from the high altitude, but from the anxiousness of meeting a strange creature along the way. And I did meet a friendly old woman with her two dogs. She said I was pretty brave for hiking and running by myself since she had just spotted some bears nearby our hiking trail just a few days ago.
And instead of feeling terrified, I felt alive.
Of course, I wouldn't be stupid enough to stay if I ever saw a bear just to satisfy my hunger for adventure. At least, not without a can of coins. :)
Siiiigh.
Let's see... How about an update?
I wore my Santa apron + hat to work today. I pranced about my laboratory listening to some Chris Isaak, Roy Orbison, Led Zeppelin, and occasionally dancing to Bassnectar's remix of Ellie Goulding's "Lights". I walked into my boss's office today to tell him he had a phone call, completely forgetting I looked so silly in my outfit. He burst out laughing as soon as he saw me. At first I was confused, but as soon as I looked down, I remembered. I hid my blush with a cheesy grin and two thumbs up. "Yeah?" I mouthed at my boss who had just picked up the phone. He smiled at me and I responded by nodding my head in embarrassment and walking out.
Of course, my boss being as cool as he is, walked out of his office right after his phone call to take a picture of me in my ridiculous Santa apron and Santa hat. He's probably going to print it and put it onto our Wall of Shame Fame, wherein he put photos of me and my coworker dressed up in our Halloween costumes last month. I'm glad my boss seems to take a liking towards me. I remember being an absolute nervous wreck around him just a few months ago.
And though business has been quite slow lately, it's given me a break and a chance to focus on school more. I'm sure my boss knows, but I'm not planning on staying at my work for the rest of my life.
Eventually, I'd like to transfer to a university. Right now I'm quite fascinated by robots. I'm gearing towards engineering (no pun intended), but I know it's such a difficult field to get into. Definitely, though, I'm shooting for a science field.
Everybody is still shocked about this. "I thought you would major in English!" everyone had told me when I announced my major. "You're a great writer!" my grandfather cried. And though I still love writing, I've fallen in love with Science.
So, we'll see how it goes.
In the mean time, dear Inspiration, wherever you have gone, please come back. I've missed you quite a bit and my heart aches in its emptiness. I need your presence to revive my soul and inject color back into my life.
Thanks.
Love and kisses,
Francesca
