Canvas.

The Cycle

2012-02-20T20:51:00.002-08:00

I shouldn't have looked at those programs. At least not tonight. It's more than depressing. For so many reasons.

My brother had come up to me today to pay parking violations using my laptop and he started complaining and telling me that at least my money doesn't go into paying for such crap.

Let me tell you, it took all of me to keep myself quiet. He has no idea. Nobody has any idea how difficult it is for me.

That's one of the reasons why I don't talk to people about my situation. They think they understand. They try to picture it, and it isn't so bad. Bullshit. Bullfuckingshit.

I want to shake people when they tell me their problems.

"Oh my gawd, I have so many loans to pay..."

"Oh my gawd, I just bought myself a ticket to Europe and I'm broke..."

"Oh my gawd, all my money goes to the government..."

"Oh my gawd, I'm not getting enough money on Food Stamps..."

"Oh my gawd, SSI is not giving me enough money..."

"Oh my gawd, my job sucks..."

"Oh my gawd, I don't have enough physical things to keep me happy..."

"Oh my gawd, my dad yelled at me yesterday to do dishes, it sux..."
"Oh my gawd, my mom used my Benz and she didn't bring me Starbucks..."

Fuck you. Fuck you, you ungrateful bastards, all of you!

That's all I want to yell at them. At least you have the privilege of loaning money, if you don't want to pay so much interest, be responsible and pay them back on time! At least you can go to fucking Europe, so shut up and be happy! If you're so unhappy about being broke, don't go to fucking Europe! And your violation tickets? Well maybe you shouldn't have been such an idiot and just left early so you didn't have to speed or so that you could find a LEGAL parking space that would have only cost you time, and not five hundred fucking dollars! Your food stamps? Fuck you. At least you get free food! Your SSI? Fuck you too! At least you get FREE FUCKING MONEY. Your job? At least you have a fucking job! You want a better job, go find a better one and shut the hell up. Or at least stop complaining about it so often. Physical things? What the fuck? One day, you're going to DIE. You're going to rot in the ground, and so will your physical things. You will not bring your physical things with you to heaven. They're going to rot in the ground with you. And if you go broke because you bought so many physical things, well then that is your own moronic fault, idiot. Stop buying unnecessary physical things. Your parents yelled at you to do chores? Well, at least they don't yell at you to make their bed, or cook them food, or do their laundry, or clean the floors, the bathroom, scrub the bathtub, clean the fridge, buy the food, take them out to eat, all while they sit on their ungrateful butts and never, NEVER EVER thank you for any of the above stated labor they have forced you to do, because if you didn't, well, you would never ever, ever hear the end of it. And wow, your parents used your car and didn't buy you Starbucks? Well, spoiled bitch. First of all, that's not your car. Did you work your ass off to buy that car? No, your parents' blood, sweat, and tears went into getting that car. And that Starbucks? Are you going to die without it? No? Well then, shut the hell up. Yes? Well, bitch, maybe you should get it yourself. Just go trot your pretty, spoiled ass along in your big, fancy, expensive Benz, which you supposedly own even though not a single cent of your parents money, which you also claim is yours, went into it.

And why don't I just say these things to people? Because I'm a bloody fucking nice person. I understand that not everybody has the capability of ~~just shutting the hell up~~ understanding or remembering that there are people worse off than them. And even when they understand or remember, they just don't give a damn. Because to each and every one of us, our problems are worse. And because I'm a bloody amazing sympathetic genius, I also understand that as human beings, it's just not possible for people not to complain. Because we have these annoying, intangible, yet unbelievably prevalent things called "emotions", which though we deny that it doesn't control our decisions, it does! It bloody fucking does! Because we also have this other annoying, intangible, yet unbelievably prevalent OTHER thing called "the unconscious brain"! Which surprisingly has a great effect on our conscious brain and our so-called "conscious decisions".

And all of these are innate. Yes, I understand that it is just human nature to feel things, wherein which comes, YES, complaining! And YES, that other syndrome called, "not-giving-a-shit-about-others-because-my-problems-are-more-important" OR the "pretending-to-understand-this-poor-person's-situation-but-not-really-because-I'm-very-close-minded-and-all-I-really-care-about-is-myself-but-I'm-in-denial-so-I'll-never-admit-it" syndrome!

I could tell this to someone, I could talk this out with someone. But who? Apparently, nobody else thinks this way. Perhaps I'm crazy. And I'll admit, I have some of those syndromes. I know there are people worse off than I am.

However, that is why I try very hard not to complain. And when people complain to me, I try not to shove their words back in their face. For two reasons: 1. I understand that it is just human nature to talk things out, to want someone to listen to us complain, and that our problems, though seemingly small when compared to others, feel big to us. And 2. It does me no good to walk around a harsh and bitter person. I know that I am a human being as well that wants someone to complain to, that feels lonely, and that wants someone to listen to me. And if I walk around a sarcastic, bitter person, I lose people to satisfy my wants and needs.

I wish to be proud and say that I don't need anyone. But that is just foolish and naive. I am still human. And I still feel. I still want. I still need. I still laugh. I still cry. I love, and I hurt. That is who I am. To suppress such needs would just have a negative impact on me.

And thus this harsh cycle of knowing what I am, what we are, and hating who we are, yet needing to love it in order to be happy.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

2012-01-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Hiiii ~ ! !

This blog is going to be under construction. I'm going to be in and out editing randomly. When I get time, or whenever I feel like it. Haha.

So it'll take awhile for it to look close to decent.

Yup. So, peace out.

Shell Fish

2012-01-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

Would it be selfish of me? Is it selfish for me to want to see you? To talk to you? To seek your forgiveness?

Part of me nods while the other shakes it's head.

But it is selfish of me to wish for your friendship. To wish for a past long and gone. A past I myself tore to shreds with my own hands.

I selfishly ripped your heart out and ran away.

All my life, and through all our friendship, I had been very selfish. And cruel.

Maybe I should just leave you be.

Would life be better if I just left you alone?

I know I wouldn't feel any better.

Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble

2012-01-20T08:25:00.001-08:00

I suppose this is what my friend has talked about. I've reached a period in my life where I question who I really am.

I mean, I've done this many times in the past -- too many to count.

But back then, innocence veiled the gravity of importance of such catechism. I used to be able to brush it off without much thought. In fact, I used to think I understood and knew who I was.

Ha! Such naivety -- the author of the twists and turns of this wretched life.

This unknowing of such, though many perceive to be quite natural, I find many a times... exasperating. I wish I could just figure myself out right now. Thus I wouldn't have to go through so much trouble. So much pain. So much heart ache.

You, who I like, damn you. Damn this heart. Damn it all! I want nothing to do with any of that. Have I not learned anything from the past?

I must dismiss this feeling immediately. This and many more to come. At least, for now.

There are much more heavier burdens to deal with. Many more toilsome troubles to carry. Though I don't foresee any as of now, I know they will come. The darkness always comes back to play. It never gets tired of trifling with me.

Un-fiction

2012-01-08T19:14:00.001-08:00

Confessions:

I miss you the most now. It's excruciating, to feel this emptiness where you used to be. We are cosmos apart. I remember the night you came to my house, around midnight, because I had told you I was hungry and had forgotten to buy more groceries. You casually mentioned you had made too much and figured midnight meals were always the most fun.

Every day after we had met, we talked forever on the phone. I can't even remember half the things we talked about. All I remember is you talking about your pain.

You loved her still.

I had no words to comfort you. I simply listened, hoping it was enough. And it was.

And you were enough for me at that moment as well. My life was changing rapidly, overhauling before my eyes, I was shaky, but you held me up. Long enough to keep me sane. Before I left.

I had never known you long enough to love you. I'm sure that was mutual. But we could never deny the chemistry we shared.

I remember the night you had come over with drinks. A terrible tropical storm had just passed and the electricity was down. We sat on my front porch, feeling the breezy but humid night air, clutching our cold bottles of beer.

We sat in a comfortable silence. Every now and then you'd say something you were thinking about. We would talk about it until the topic lapsed. I remember turning to you, and squinting through the dim light of the tiny candle that sat in between us, and watching the shadows dance on your face.

Eventually, we bid each other adieu. I had more packing to do.

We stood up and stared at each other. You were close enough that I could feel your warm breath on my forehead. You smiled. I returned it. Then you stepped closer and embraced me. I wrapped my arms around you, trying to steady my already shaky legs. You pulled back, kissed my forehead, then left on your black motorbike.

I left the next day. You barely missed me leaving. I remember you running just as I was getting into the car. My sunken heart rose in excitement. I ran towards you and threw my arms around you.

It was an overwhelming feeling of absolute ecstasy and utter anguish. My heart leaped and ached all at the same time.

2012-01-03T11:40:00.001-08:00

I can't tell if I'm just feeling vulnerable, or if everyone else is being particularly cold.

Today, Tomorrow

2012-01-02T23:17:00.000-08:00

I'm torn between feeling happy and feeling strange. Strangely not satisfied.

The new year has been a bust so far. Nothing has gone as I have planned, as usual. Am I used to it? Not at all. Is that okay? Eh.

I... I'm going to keep pushing forward. Life is falling apart again, but I need to keep trudging ahead. The negativity is waiting in the background, waiting for me to fall down and not get up, and instead, curl into fetal position and give up on the world. To turn my back and run away, like I usually do. Part of me wants to.

I'm so tired. Of heavy chains wrapped around my ankles and the tragedies of the world shoved roughly on my shoulders.

But I can't. I can't give up.

Not when the people I care about are falling apart as well. I need to stay strong and push forward.

I'm completely terrified of what's to come. A great part of me craves that comfort and security from another human being. I yearn for that compassion and understanding. I ache for those arms wrapped around me, so I can feel safe and okay. And on those days, I feel like I need those patient ears to listen and those softly spoken words of reassurance.

And another part of me scoffs at the thought of needing anything else but what I have.

Wish

2012-01-01T20:27:00.001-08:00

AUGHHHH...!!

I'm so angry. It's that heavy, daunting feeling. I foresee my future as a pathetic housewife with no education, wishing she had worked harder, working an 8-5 job she hates, bitter (much bitter than I already am) and ugly and fat. Stuck in one place. Forever. Just a dot on the surface of the planet. A waste of space and oxygen.

I can't do it. I can't do that at all.

I wish to study more. Travel. Meet people. Help people. Learn and love and read.

Today I heard the phrase, "It's not about what you take from this world, but what you leave behind."

It stuck with me all day. I think this... no, I believe this is how I would like to live my life.

I'm all shaken up. I need to breathe. I need to stop typing so much.

Everything Sucks

2012-01-01T19:44:00.001-08:00

I don't know what to do some days.

Some days I wake up and manage to feel somewhat normal. I work out, take a shower, make my shake and lunch, eat breakfast, then I go to work all day. Some days I go to school afterwards, or go home and do homework. Some days I hang out with my friends and we just chill at home and watch movies or TV series'. Sometimes we take trips to places. I snap photos and tell jokes and laugh about things.

Other days, though, I just don't know what to do or feel anymore. It's on these days that I feel like I could just die and care naught about anything. I wake up and feel nothing but coldness, hatred, and bitterness. I remember my situation and scoff at how ridiculous my life is. I look at people and see nothing but disgusting creatures made of flesh, bones, and stupidity -- worth nothing. Everything is pointless. And such is life. We live and then we die.

Sometimes it doesn't take having to wake up, but situations occur that bring about the latter feelings.

And right now, that's what happened. And this is how I feel.

I feel like a child right now. I need to sit in my corner and calm down and think.

Dream

2011-12-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

If I could really choose what I want to do... I'd like to be a scholar. I would love to continually learn about everything. I'd like to travel the world: dream big, explore, discover. I want to meet different people, learn different languages, and experience different cultures.

If possible, I would love to have someone with me. To share these experiences, and to talk and mull over everything, and nothing. To read books with, to lean on when tired, to vent to when frustrated, to get excited with, to laugh with and grow old with.

Romantic Comedies

2011-12-27T22:15:00.000-08:00

I feel cold and uncaring. And it isn't disconcerting at all. It's actually quite comfortable to be back into the detachment of life.

Romantic comedies are perpetually becoming ridiculous. And I felt ridiculous today when my friends dragged me to see New Year's Eve.

-_-

I mean, it was cute. And part of me went, "Aww... I want that."

But then the other bigger part of me towers over and says in a heavy monotonous voice, "Don't kid yourself. That isn't real. That's a movie. Those things never happen in real life."

And so I come out of the movie theater feeling a little strange from the struggle of perspective.

Thought Processes

2011-12-26T01:35:00.000-08:00

I don't understand. They say girls are cryptic, but damn. Am I reading too much into it?

What do you mean when you say these things to me? Are you telling me to stay away? Are you trying to make me jealous on purpose? Are you gauging my reactions to them?

AM I JUST CRAZY?!

Possibly the latter.

This thought process is absolute rubbish.

Pandora's Box

2011-12-24T00:41:00.000-08:00

It's funny how life works. I've finally been able to experience a sunrise and a sunset without feeling that heavy emptiness.

On foreign shores, I've found and lost and rediscovered love. I rebuilt my ship, planned my journey, and have begun my voyage yet again. Comrades have come and gone. Pirates have plundered and taken my treasures. Yet I've mustered up the strength to sail again. For the one most important thing I've learned so far is that life waits for no one.

But it's really funny, this human condition of ours. That saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words shall never hurt me", must be the biggest lie to have ever been spurred. Whoever's lips those words were first uttered was utterly foolish. Words, unlike sticks or stones, cut the deepest wounds and leave the biggest scars. And these intangible lacerations, many times, are inconceivably deadly.

Foolish are the people that continue to give it countenance.

"You're just like your mother."

Such small words, consummated by a lack of any thought. Yet on the ocean I sailed so bravely, with a ship I built with blood, sweat, and tears, my ship crumbled on such an iceberg.

I felt so stunned, at the angry pang of bitterness that flooded within, and at the damned iceberg that pretended to be my kin. I sat shaking on the cold, stone floor, hastily wiping away the burning tears that poured.

Instantly, I was 14, standing in the shower fully clothed, a razor blade in one hand, watching the blood pour from the other, crying silently. Once the pain inside had slowed to a dull ebb, I slid down into the corner and watched the blood and tears mingle with the cold water that ran noisily down the drain.

I felt the darkness sweep me back into it's arms, as if it were just waiting in the sidelines, waiting for those words to be spoken, like the key to Pandora's box.

I sat for a bit, shaking away visions that haunted me, and tried to get my breathing back to normal. It took a bit of praying and a lot of talking to the ceiling to remind myself how fortunate I am.

I've taken so many things and people and opportunities for granted. Though I may break down from thoughtlessness, I can't forget that I'm half way up from six feet under.

This melancholy, though persistent, has been a better room mate than desolation.

I have much less laundry to do.

2011-12-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

I crave your existence, you perfect being of imperfections. I crave your love, your touch, your words, your mouth, your skin.

Random Thoughts

2011-12-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

I'm ridiculous.

I romanticize myself with ideas of people, places, and things. And it's so beautiful... I forget that life isn't so. This is probably why life is so disappointing to me most days.

How do you get rid of wishful thinking?

~*~*~*~*~*~

It's really bizarre. I've grown up watching my grandmother practically horde her belongings, stuffing our garage with things, and filling her walk-in closet with tons of clothes, shoes, scarves, purses, and accessories. I've seen friends get overly excited over those things as well, and CD's, movies, and other belongings.

I've heard them say they can't live without this or that. That they can't go anywhere without their iPod or phone or matching shoes.

I guess I just don't understand the attachment to physical materials. I'm trying to think back and remember if there was anything I treasured a lot.

I'm coming up blank.

Sure, I had my share of love for dolls, stuffed toys, and all that good stuff. But after playing with them, I didn't feel any need to keep them, for whatever sake, sentimental value or whatnot.

The only things I willingly buy and get excited over are books, my laptop, my phone... But I wouldn't mind abandoning these things for adventure.

Hmm.. I'd probably bring a book or two. So I guess, at the end of the day, books are the only physical objects I treasure.

Shiawase

2011-12-22T00:49:00.001-08:00

It's always the nights that are so lonely. It's only on these cold, winter nights that the emptiness inside of me aches and longs.

Happiness, you've been absent through most of my days. So much so that when you've let me hold you for too long, I begin to feel terrified. Terrified of getting used to your warmth and your comfort. Sometimes I force myself, though begrudgingly, to throw you out of reach and willingly embrace the cold arms of darkness, of loneliness, and of bitterness.

To find and replace my joy, I wish to feel the security of another person's arms, but I reprimand myself for such a despicable desire. I shouldn't need it.

And once I close my eyes, I won't need it.

"Normal"

2011-12-21T09:18:00.000-08:00

It's 12:38 PM. I'm standing in front of my desk typing. I'm very anxious though I have no idea why. I'm attributing it to a combination of a sugar and caffeine injected morning from my grande peppermint latte and pumpkin scone from Starbucks.

I have a bit of work to do but it's a little tedious and there's too much time to think in between. I'm thinking and feeling too much. And this is amplified by my morning consumption. I want to walk and run and shout and flail my arms around. I'm scared and I'm happy and I'm frustrated all at the same time. I feel like I need an embrace, and yet I dread another person’s touch.

It's ridiculous.

I'm ridiculous. People are ridiculous. Society is ridiculous. Facades are ridiculous. And the fact that we have to keep up appearances to please society is fucking ridiculous. We speak so much about breaking the trend and being original, yet we are hypocrites. We are hypocrites of a deeper level. Because we know that we cannot break away from society's expectations despite all our talks and our wants. But we deny this and continue to pride ourselves on being "different", and "original", and "morally right".

"I'd never do that. I could never do that."

Such a common phrase I've been hearing lately. It disgusts me. I want to scoff and laugh. Unfortunately, you are human too. It's a condition we're born with. And this innate affliction is unpredictable.

Don't tell me that phrase unless you've been placed in it, struggled with it, and then lived through it and won. Because though you've traveled many places, and you've met many people, you've lived a comfortable life.

I sound bitter. I am bitter. And though I said I was a pessimist last night, I'm really the realist. And you, my dear friend, are more of an optimist.

Or maybe I'm wrong and you're right. Who really knows.

All I know is what I've experienced. What I see. What I think from what I've learned. And what I feel and have felt.

And I've felt struggle. I feel struggle. Constantly. Inside and outside.

It's almost too difficult. I'm not sure what's keeping me here.

I've pushed so many people away. Most people strive so hard to be different, while here I am, slaving away to try and be "normal".

Wanderlust

2011-12-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

It's 12:04. I was planning on running tomorrow morning, but apparently, that is not happening anymore.

Really, what my grandmother instilled into my head since I was a child is so very true. She used to always tell me, "You can't have everything. You can't have your cake and eat it too. In order to get something you really want, you have to sacrifice something you've already got."

I'm very thankful for everything that I have now, but I do miss the adventures I used to have. I, especially, miss the late night adventures. I miss cruising around and just taking photographs of people, places, things. I miss hanging out with friends and just talking. No stress; no drama.

...

I want to travel. Wanderlust, you are terrible.

Prince Charming? Pfft.

2011-12-16T23:50:00.001-08:00

I feel so anxious right now. The lack of privacy and the stress of meeting everybody's expectations are really straining.

I'm sitting on the cold bathroom floor typing out words in a hurried flourish to maybe find relief in expression.

Mostly, I'm irritated today because... I've realized lately a lot of things about myself. Self-discovery is stunning, and sometimes amazing, but can also be disappointing. And I've been feeling the latter for the most part of today.

As a well-off child, I was exposed to all the media of my generation. This included endless hours of Disney shows wherein the princess was in distress and a handsome and charming prince came and swept her off her feet. As I grew up, I watched my girl friends laugh and giggle as they dreamed of boys and romance. I can't deny that I didn't do so. But I can say that I managed to successfully separate myself from the giggling and sighing girls who expected their prince to come and sweep them off their feet.

Even though I had my moments of ooh-ing and aah-ing at cute boys, of moments of "What if..."'s (those things are quite contagious), I prided myself on being a realist. I mean, come on now. It's the twenty-first century. Women are strong and independent, and I'll be damned if I ever fell into trouble and simply sat and sighed and waited for a prince to save me.

For so long now, I've prided myself on the fact that I was an independent woman who was pragmatic and inclined more towards being career-driven. Love can wait. Building a family can wait. I wanted to grow and live and experience as much as I could before I settled down. And if that meant settling down a little later, well, so be it.

A couple of years ago, however, I have found myself in quite a distressing situation. Ironically, the only thing that can save me now is a prince charming (no details needed). For so long, I fought it. A prince charming? Pfft. I can get myself out of this situation. No big deal.

But, there were so many factors against me. And there still is. I'm still here.

I've managed to find myself a prince who, at the beginning I thought was charming, but there isn't any saving going on. In fact, he doesn't even plan on it.

Now, here is where my dilemma lays.

As an independent woman, I simply brushed it off. Well, if he doesn't want to help me, that's fine. I'm not going to sit here and beg for him to rescue me. I can go the old-fashioned way and do some hard work. That has to pay off somehow.

Well, the hard work isn't showing much of any signs of improvement in my situation at all. And as much as I try to push forward, it's getting difficult to motivate myself to continue.

I want to continue to pave on, but I'm starting to realize that that's only one side of me. One bitter and frustrated side of me. I'm starting to feel something else, something dangerous and quite annoying. Something that I've been fighting against feeling for some time now.

That is the ~~need~~ want of being saved.

That part of me wants to turn to my prince and yell out, "What are you doing?! You love me, and I love you. Why aren't you moving in the direction of trying to save me?!" I want to shake him and show him how badly I've really been suffering.

But my pride hinders me. Instead, I turn away and lick my own wounds. And turn back with a smile.

He isn't a typical prince either. Oh, he has the typical descriptions of "handsome" and "charming (when he wants to be)". What Disney left out, but was simply implied by years of brainwash, was that prince's needed to be gentle and sweet -- genuinely. My prince seems to lack a bit of the latter.

That didn't really bother me before. Who says my prince has to be this cheesy, sweep-you-off-your-feet kind of prince? Who says I have to have this romanticized version of a relationship that Disney and basically all kinds of movies paints for you?

Well apparently, I do. YES, I DO. I've fought this feeling for so long, but it's there and I can't deny it. Whether it's years and years of watching Disney and reading and watching about romance in the media and literature, it doesn't really matter. The fact is, I do want to be swept off my feet. I want my prince to be sweet and gentle. I want to be saved.

And that feeling in and of itself is quite stupendously irritating.

The only difference is that I don't want the prince that is exactly as they show in the media.

My prince doesn't have to be blindingly gorgeous or excessively charming. He can be a little weird and geeky, or a little socially awkward, because really, I'm like that. I want my prince to be smart and he doesn't have to sweep me off my feet with gifts or any kind of physical material because honestly, to me, the most important thing is his time, company, and his conversation. I want to have great conversations with my prince about all things under the great canvassed sky. I want to know your thoughts and your feelings. And please, listen to me when I need to vent, or revel with me when I show you something amazing. And you don't always have to impress me with fancy dates, or feel the need to keep me entertained. Hell, if we can sit quietly together in a room and mind each others business, that is absolutely fine with me. In fact, I'll probably enjoy it.

So now that I've discovered I'm actually a bit of romantic... God, I still despise the thought of being this way, but I guess it should be a little easier now. What to do, what to do.

I really don't know now.

We shall see, I suppose.

Dear, dear friend, I miss you.

2011-12-16T00:25:00.000-08:00

It's 12:25 AM and I feel a little strange. Damn the body of a young woman and her raging hormones.

It is within these ungodly hours that I find myself missing you, quite terribly. I miss having the distinct privilege of being able to call you at such times and know that you're most likely sitting on your bed wide awake as I am.

I miss our conversations. We used to talk about nothing and everything, for hours on end. You were the only one that ever put up with my ramblings. You sifted through my moaning and groaning of everyday routine and found meaning in them. You listened to me as I painted you pictures of my vivid dreams. And from your own words, I drew comfort.

I was fascinated by so many things, and you willingly reveled with me as I ecstatically explained them to you. You talked with me on history, mythology, architecture, philosophy, cartoons, culture, and everything within the spectrum of imagination.

I felt alive, and with you I bred a friendship that filled my entire life with happiness.

Dear, dear friend, I regret losing you. Sometimes I spend hours like now, missing you.

I wish and pray you're happy. I can ask nothing more.

Inspiration, where hast thou gone?

2011-12-15T22:48:00.001-08:00

Well, hello there.

Here again I sit, with an empty canvas, a paintbrush, my pallet, a head buzzing with thoughts, and a heart raging with emotions, yet... nothing.

I still can't figure out what I'm lacking. I used to be able to write so freely and carelessly. I like to attribute it to a loss of innocence, but experience convinces me that it's naivety. Or perhaps it's just a lack of inspiration. If so, well, I've been quite uninspired for far too long now.

I need a change in pace, environment, scenery. I miss the mountains I visited in September. I miss the fresh, cold air, the solitude, the campfires, being able to run on the dirt road, heart pounding not just from the high altitude, but from the anxiousness of meeting a strange creature along the way. And I did meet a friendly old woman with her two dogs. She said I was pretty brave for hiking and running by myself since she had just spotted some bears nearby our hiking trail just a few days ago.

And instead of feeling terrified, I felt alive.

Of course, I wouldn't be stupid enough to stay if I ever saw a bear just to satisfy my hunger for adventure. At least, not without a can of coins. :)

Siiiigh.

Let's see... How about an update?

I wore my Santa apron + hat to work today. I pranced about my laboratory listening to some Chris Isaak, Roy Orbison, Led Zeppelin, and occasionally dancing to Bassnectar's remix of Ellie Goulding's "Lights". I walked into my boss's office today to tell him he had a phone call, completely forgetting I looked so silly in my outfit. He burst out laughing as soon as he saw me. At first I was confused, but as soon as I looked down, I remembered. I hid my blush with a cheesy grin and two thumbs up. "Yeah?" I mouthed at my boss who had just picked up the phone. He smiled at me and I responded by nodding my head in embarrassment and walking out.

Of course, my boss being as cool as he is, walked out of his office right after his phone call to take a picture of me in my ridiculous Santa apron and Santa hat. He's probably going to print it and put it onto our Wall of ~~Shame~~ Fame, wherein he put photos of me and my coworker dressed up in our Halloween costumes last month. I'm glad my boss seems to take a liking towards me. I remember being an absolute nervous wreck around him just a few months ago.

And though business has been quite slow lately, it's given me a break and a chance to focus on school more. I'm sure my boss knows, but I'm not planning on staying at my work for the rest of my life.

Eventually, I'd like to transfer to a university. Right now I'm quite fascinated by robots. I'm gearing towards engineering (no pun intended), but I know it's such a difficult field to get into. Definitely, though, I'm shooting for a science field.

Everybody is still shocked about this. "I thought you would major in English!" everyone had told me when I announced my major. "You're a great writer!" my grandfather cried. And though I still love writing, I've fallen in love with Science.

So, we'll see how it goes.

In the mean time, dear Inspiration, wherever you have gone, please come back. I've missed you quite a bit and my heart aches in its emptiness. I need your presence to revive my soul and inject color back into my life.

Thanks.

Love and kisses,

Francesca

Reassurance

2011-12-12T22:48:00.001-08:00

I want to be a nice person. I really do. I want to live by God's word. I want to feel good about helping other people. I want to be able to walk around with a smile and a good heart. I want to work hard and be honest and accomplish amazing things. I really do.

But people... people make it so hard to. I hate them. I hate every one of them.

They constantly disappoint me. They have facades to peel through, expectations to live for, needs to fulfill -- and I know it's all supposed to be this mysterious and fun adventure. But it's not. It's some bullshit excuse to satisfy my own need to fill in the lack of excitement in my life, my own craving for something new and exciting, my own selfish desire to crush the feeling of constant loneliness in my life.

My cynicism is endless.

I hate coming home because I have to deal with my family. My family is crazy, insane. They lack any sense of normality. They're selfish and greedy; they always have been.

I absolutely despise the fact that I'm dependent on them. And I despise the fact that I'm dependent on them because of them. And mostly, I despise and abhor the fact that I'm also dependent on them because I've let myself become so, because I was too naive to understand what was really happening to me. And because I'm terrified of being alone. I'm absolutely petrified of just the thought of forging through an unknown path by myself. I've always been a runner. I've always ran away from my problems. I have vivid memories of hiding in closets because my mother forced me to babysit my little brother. I had grown up with my grandparents, and only saw my mom on the weekends or summer. And even in those short times, I never had any good memories of her. To me, my mother, my older brother, and my younger brother were strangers. Always, I ran. I hid. It's what I knew best. And nobody ever told me any better. I was sheltered, so I also never learned any more than that.

I'm 21 years old, and I'm barely just starting to face my problems.

I'm in an unknown country, with my greedy, selfish, shamelessly insane family who I've never been close to, far away from the friends who were close to me like family, in a situation where I'm always terrified of everything and I wake up everyday thinking, "Is this it? Is this my last day here?", and I'm just starting to open my eyes to the world.

It hurts a lot. When I think that the majority of the time, I feel sadness, anger, and bitterness. For life, for myself, and for people. And when I look back at my life, the memories of being alone and of being hurt are what comes to my mind first.

I don't want to feel that way because I know that somewhere inside of me, I enjoy being with people and I genuinely like helping people. And I've had good times in my life. And I've met amazing people.

And it makes me so sad that I have nobody to talk to about all of this. It makes me so sad that I can't tell the person that I love the most about all this.

I realize now what I subconsciously seek. I've never had that comfort or reassurance in my life from parents. Most of the time, I've always had to go through my problems alone. That's why I've always prided myself of being independent. To give myself a reason, an excuse that I didn't need that reassurance from others.

But like a pathetic human being, I still subconsciously seek it. I seek it from the opposite sex, I seek it through friends. I delude myself with ideas and wishful thinking. All the while struggling with myself because I absolutely hate being and feeling this way.

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO NEED THAT REASSURANCE.

And yet I do.

I do...

I feel so angry and frustrated. I want to talk to someone about it but I don't know who to talk to it about. I feel like I need a really tight hug, some kind words, some reassurance.

That I'm going to be okay.

That I'm going to be just fine.

Switching names

2011-12-10T00:58:00.000-08:00

I'm switching names for a bit. I feel weird, for some odd reason, about writing on my normal blog. It's some bizarre, itching feeling.

We'll see how it goes though.

NORMAL

2011-12-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

I feel tired and nauseated. Part of me wants to continue on this beaten path, this uphill battle -- "It's going to be all worth it in the end!" I can hear my positive inner voice cheer me on; yet, the other half of me just wants to lie down and sleep forever.

The good thing about having a really tiring job is that I haven't had as much time to feel bad about everything else. Despite how difficult it is in general, not even counting yet the pedestal of expectation my boss has put me on recently, the fact that I have a job makes me feel normal -- like everybody else.

As I took a break from standing all day to recalculate formulas on Tony's desk, I suddenly had a vision -- no wait, moment is a better word. I had a moment. I sat erect on his chair, the pencil stopped abruptly on the dirty, ink-filled paper. I envisioned myself waking up the next morning, getting ready for work, driving to work -- a normal day. I saw myself meeting someone nice in the long run -- getting married, buying a house, having kids, working and being... normal. But you know what, at the moment, it seemed all so possible -- and the gagging that usually comes with the thought of being a 9-5 office person wasn't present. It actually felt alright.

Of course, now the gagging is back and the thought of it makes me nauseous. But it was instantaneous and unbelievably real.

Oh, it's horrible. It's horrible...

Catch 22

2011-11-16T10:33:00.000-08:00

I've never been particularly good at saying good-bye to people. And yet they walk in and out of your life almost everyday.

I guess I'm just not good at letting the people that I've gotten attached to go. And it's pathetic because as much as I pride myself on being independent, I seem to get attached quite easily. And the people that I like, especially, I take to heart.

It's probably because I dislike most of everybody; I dislike people. People are fickle and flawed. We never really know what we want. We desire and yet we're never satisfied. We have carnal cravings that when unfulfilled, we subconsciously find ways to fulfill. And in this process we hurt others whether we intend to or not. And it's all inevitable. Because it's in our nature.

We find ways to fight it, through religion, a constant accumulation of material possession, or struggling to place ourselves in the mold that society perpetually shoves down our throat. But these are all nothing but distractions.

I guess this is where I find my affliction, my catch 22, if you will. I am keenly aware of our nature, and some days I find it absolutely appalling. I sit and judge, but then I catch myself doing so and stop, because I remember that I am one of those filthy things with two legs and two arms and supposedly higher intelligence. I combat the same conflicts and I make the same mistakes, and thus, neither am I above nor below them. I am human.

And I find that nothing less than detestable.

I contest against my inherent nature, but many times I fail.

It's unbelievably frustrating to look at yourself and the rest of humanity and feel a mixture of laud and disdain.

Dream (Nightmare) Log

2011-11-15T05:06:00.001-08:00

It is 5 AM and I just had a nightmare. I'm going to type it haphazardly and not care about grammar or checking.

In the dream, papa, Deloy, JJ, and I lived in Alabang. No maids, just us. Alabang was still a nice neighborhood but our house was smaller. It was more intimate.

In my dream, papa took care of Deloy while JJ and I worked. He seemed to enjoy it, taking Deloy to places like Cuenca park and buying him snacks at Rustans.

I remember standing outside our house one day, I had contracted a really bad disease (TB, I think). It was fall. The leaves had turned beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow and were slowly falling to the ground already littered with it.

Deloy and papa were out in the front of the house. Deloy was jumping on a stack of leaves while papa watched him. I remember sitting in a black van with friends who came over to check up on me, watching them fondly, and also, coughing violently. I was scared. It had been a week already and I wasn't getting any better.

As I sat and watched, half listening to my friends' conversations behind me, I glanced at the house beside us. Our neighbor, a boy about my age, was relaxing on his front porch half watching us. I remember looking at him, he was scrawny, had glasses, and a dorky haircut. He looked shy. I remember this event happening everyday, and everyday he was there watching us. He didn't come off as creepy though. In fact, he seemed like he wanted to join us or talk to me, but he was too shy.

One day, I walked over to Deloy, who once again was jumping in and out of a stack of leaves as papa watched from the sidewalk, arms on his hips. Papa was wearing that old, maroon long-sleeved fleece sweater and his usual gray pants and big slippers. I was wearing my black blouse and the light blue jeans, and strapped across my chest was my green purse. I ran over to Deloy and grabbed his hands. We jumped around in the leaves, kicking and laughing. I glanced over at our neighbor and smiled at him, trying to encourage him to talk to us. But he didn't budge. As I kept playing, however, my cough started up and it was another violent storm of coughs.

Fast forward to night time, I don't remember what happened. I think two cars came in front of our house. My friends and I were outside talking, our neighbor had finally joined us. I could hear my brother and his friends laughing and talking through the window as they watched TV inside the house. I'm not sure where Deloy and papa were, I think they were inside and upstairs, getting ready for bed.

Anyway, suddenly people from those two cars came out. A man with a purple shirt who looked not so much older than I was strode quickly towards our door. Though the group looked normal, in jeans and shirts and caps, there was something about him, about them, that terrified me. I stepped forward and asked him what he wanted. He immediately told me he wanted to see my brother. I hollered out for my brother, telling him there was a group of people who wanted to see him.

Not a second had my brother arrived at the top of the front steps, a friend in tow, that the man in the purple shirt pulled out a hand gun. "This won't do," he said, and fired his gun at my brother. Once in the shoulder, another in the other shoulder, one in the stomach, and one in the head. My brother fell back, lifeless.

I stood there, my heart had dropped to the floor, my hands were shaking violently, my vision was blurry. I was completely filled with utter fear and shock. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life. My body suddenly felt heavy, and I felt no energy to support it. I feel to my knees. "No..." I muttered as the bottom of my lip started quivering and tears started flowing down my cheeks. "No, no, no, no, no." My head drooped down and I felt a flood of uncontrollable sadness and despair fill me. As I did this, everybody was silent and nobody moved.

I felt helpless. The purple man's posy had surrounded him and I felt their threatening presence walk silently towards me. A woman grabbed the scruff of my shirt and pulled me up. Everything else was a blur. She pushed me towards my friends, who were also terrified and held at gunpoint by one of the men. Another man had come in and was keeping an eye on my brother's friends. The purple man stood silently by the steps of our door, watching.

The women shook me, trying to get me to pay attention to her, but I felt nothing but sadness and fear. I was about to shut down. All I kept thinking was that my brother had been shot, cold and calculated, without hesitation. And I had called him to the front door.

She gave me a minute to gather back my senses before shaking me again. I finally turned towards her. I don't remember exactly what she said, but they demanded $3,000 from me. They threw a phone at me and told me to give it to them. I felt dumbstruck. I remember standing by the door of my car, beside my silent and crying friends, being held at gunpoint and shaking my hands angrily. Tears started uselessly flowing again, this time in anger and frustration. "What the fuck are you talking about!" I yelled at them. "I don't have $3000!" and that was the truth. I barely had anything in my bank account. My grandpa was retired and had no income. And my brother barely had any savings. We lived from paycheck to paycheck.

I felt helpless once more. Angry and sad and frustrated. Somehow, that's where more blurriness occurred. I remember my neighbor, that boy, stood beside me and watched me silently. He was scared but somehow his thoughts flooded my head. Suddenly, I knew what he was thinking. He knew someone who could help us. I needed to call that person. He was rich, and he was a superhero that could save us and take down the bad guys to avenge my brother's death. He was Batman.

I know that sounds ridiculous now, but in my head, it was perfect. I'm not sure what happened next, all I remember was that the bad guys had finally gone. I think someone had called Batman, they freaked out, and ran away. I remember running into the house. My brother's body was nowhere to be found. I ran to his friends who were cowered in a corner.

"Where is he?!" I cried. They shook their heads as if to say they didn't know. I felt the heaviness of sadness grip me again. I walked towards the living room, my body was shaking and my vision blurry again. Where was he? Once again, I felt the life drained out of me and I fell flat on my face onto the floor, crying hysterically. I remember crying so hard that it became very hard to breath. I lay there, barely breathing, almost dying -- when I woke up.

I woke up breathing heavily, feeling traces of complete despair and desolation.

Frustration.

2011-11-14T12:49:00.001-08:00

There is something going on with me that I can't seem to understand. I feel very weird -- disconnected and cold, and not the usual kind. I feel almost... lifeless. But not necessarily in a negative manner.

In fact, I don't feel sad or depressed. But neither am I happy. I guess sometimes the majority of the emotion I feel is frustration. Sometimes I just want to bang my head on the wall in constant frustration. But then I'd get distracted and it'll go away.

I guess this is what psychologists are for.

Dammit.

The Past

2011-11-09T10:21:00.000-08:00

I wrote my last entry at 1 AM last night in between bouts of yawns and stretches. And as soon as I finished re-reading it (and shrugging off all the grammatically wrong mistakes and spellings), I completely just dozed off, almost forgetting to put my laptop away.

Anyway, somewhere in between there, I thought about what I wrote and the sadness I was starting to feel. I didn't like it. I'm glad it was only a dull pang. I've struggled against it for so long and I've succeeded in healing little by little. Eventually, I want to be able to overcome it.

My family is insane -- it's a given. Anyone who truly knows me knows this as a fact. Everybody has told me to move away and disconnect myself from them. Growing up, I've watched them slowly sink into the depths of tragedy. A lot of this has to do with too much pride and, most importantly, a stubborn attachment to the past. Or, as I have learned from all these years, an inability to let go of it.

I've noticed myself ponder on the past a lot. Yesterday, for example, I went through my old e-mail and re-read the e-mails I've sent and received from friends back home. I know I definitely should not forget them, but at the same time, I need to learn to accept that they're not in my life anymore. And I need to be okay with that.

As I felt the sadness and nostalgia from reading it, I also felt some fear. The last thing I wanted was to slowly turn into my family -- always blaming things on others and the past.

This is definitely a life lesson that I need to remember all the time.

I wonder if I can find a quote about it...? Hmm...

Confession

2011-11-09T00:20:00.000-08:00

I have only wished to live normally ever since I was small. Probably because I don't consider myself "normal" by any means. I grew up with friends that were lovingly surrounded by their family, constantly loved and paid attention to by their parents, especially.

It's funny, now that I think about it, the memories that have stuck to me are mostly sad. I wonder if that's because most of my childhood was filled with that particular emotion. Sadness and loneliness, to be exact.

We were a small group of girls. Very close friends. Practically sisters.

Vividly, I remember being driven to the mall by one of my close girlfriend's parents. I sat in the back seat and watched my friend's dad tease his daughter lovingly, and my friend blushing in embarrassment. "Daaad!" she yelled out, swatting his hand away as he tried to pinch her cheeks. But I knew she appreciated the attention. I remember smiling, yet feeling a deep pang of loneliness.

I remember the love my other girlfriend got from her parents. They spoiled her. We went to their beach house and went to an island that her parents rented for her. Just for her birthday. I remember the warmth as they teased her and as they laughed together at the dinner table. And I remember the harsh pang I felt as I watched, a smile plastered on my face.

I remember coming over a lot to my other girlfriend's house. It was just her and her mother. But they were inseparable. Though we were a tight-knit of friends, I could tell that my friend cherished her mom beyond anybody else. And her mother loved her daughter more than anything else as well.

The worse times that I felt that emptiness inside me resound was when I was with them. Their relationship was so simple, yet so strong. They were satisfied with each other, enjoying each others company as they watched TV, movies, ate out at dinner, picked up a coffee at Starbucks, went out shopping, etc. They told each other everything. They were the best of friends.

I always tried really hard not to cry when I felt that loneliness ache. The only other times I cried because of it were the moments when it really hit me how alone I was.

Every year, the music department holds an annual concert and all music departments are involved. Since I was in third grade, I was involved in it because I was part of the orchestra. In 7th grade, I quit the orchestra, and in my sophomore year, I joined the choir.

Ever since 3rd grade, I remember practicing everyday for the rehearsal. Getting excused from classes to go to practice, dressing up, walking in and out of the stage, practicing bows, making sure I was in the right place at the right time on and off stage. We were perfecting it. Not for us, but for the audience--for friends and especially for the family that came to support us. All that hard work and effort was for them.

But every year, on the day of the performance, I remember feeling proud of myself at my performance. And after the whole concert has ended, everybody rushes off stage to find their families. I remember walking off stage hesitantly, unsure of whether anyone even came to see me. I remember feeling scared yet trying to be hopeful as I searched through the sea of smiling faces, and hugs, and flashes. I would walk back and forth everywhere. Maybe they went to the food table? Maybe they were by the changing rooms? Maybe they were by the entrance to the theater? And I remember feeling the drop in my stomach and a stab in my chest as the slow and cold realization creeps in my heart -- nobody came for me.

I remember walking out back to the dressing room and changing quietly, building a dam in my heart to stop the coming flood of emotion. Despite that, hope kept sparking in that deep emptiness. Maybe they're late and they'll still come to pick me up so we can have dinner out? And I remember walking out into the cold, dark night, carrying my violin case and my dress and walking to the parking lot, hoping at least that they remembered to send the driver to pick me up. I remember how my eyes would burn as tears welled up. And I remember wiping them quickly and plastering on a smile as I waved good-bye to friends who walked away hand-in-hand with their parents. I remember standing alone in the parking lot, watching as it emptied, waiting, and waiting. And I remember walking over to the front gate to the guard's office, pulling up my pride, putting on a fake smile, and asking to use her phone. I remember calling my house and hearing nobody pick up. And after the second try, they finally say that I should wait outside the gate.

And I remember standing out front on the sidewalk with my violin case and clothes, in 3rd grade until sophomore year, and feeling absolutely nothing for everything.

And the on the rare occasion that somebody came, it was never a happy reunion. There were no proud smiles, or hugs, or posing for pictures. There was only a pat on the back and a rush to get home.

Even as I write this now, I feel a dull pang as old wounds resurface.

I wish I could tell someone all of this. I have tried to tell my mom about this. But all in vain. She is so caught up between her own problems, my brothers, and the past. Anything but me. And her excuse is because I'm stronger than my brothers, and that's why she has to pay more attention to them.

Still now, I feel alone. The people that should have loved me and cared for me and nurtured me have hardly ever been there. And until now, they've put me in a bad position, all for their sake. And once again, they're planning on abandoning me.

After years of pain, sadness, and loneliness, I should be used to it. But my heart never seems to cooperate. Instead, it tries to fill the void with useless things like boys, fiction, stories, etc. None of which ever work.

Happy Panda

2011-11-08T20:22:00.001-08:00

Chillaxing at home reading Black Bird and eating chocolates -- I am one happy panda.

Angry?

2011-11-02T22:37:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling so strange lately. Not necessarily unhappy, but also not happy -- not quite. I partly know why I'm not very happy. And it is completely my fault. Perhaps that's why I'm pretty calm and accepting of it. Otherwise, if it was caused by someone else, I would be much more upset.

There's still this feeling though that I can't seem to grasp just swimming around inside of me. It makes me mad because I can't pinpoint exactly what it is. I feel like a child. Angry and frustrated because I feel strange and I can't quite explain why.

I have all these feelings and no outlet, I guess. I don't know how or where to find an outlet.

So now, I'm just angry. Yup.

To Better Days,

2011-10-30T02:16:00.000-07:00

I'm better today. Some retail therapy and OHSHC helps a lot.

J'adore.

Sad.

2011-10-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I have no words to express the severity of my sadness.

That is all.

Sickness.

2011-10-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

It feels a little lonely, to have such expectations and nobody to fulfill them. Or, the person whom you've expected these things from is unwilling to do so.

It's probably just because I'm sick. And I have too much wishful thinking.

I should be used to being alone, I've always been alone. And despite being surrounded by a ton of friends growing up, I've never really let them past that last layer I've built around myself because when I did, I ended up hurting them.

I guess I just keep thinking there should be that one person who should be immune to it.

Loneliness, so familiar yet still such a stranger.

I guess it's just because that person shoved me away today because he didn't want to be sick. Although I do understand this, I just wish he would do the opposite. It would be nice to have someone care for me when I'm sick. I like soup. And I like being checked up on. And I like being cared for.

At least, I wish he'd understand my determination to work even though I'm sick. Instead of calling me silly because I'm not staying at home and resting.

I can't be as spoiled as you are. I wish you'd understand that. My life isn't so carefree and easygoing. I don't have that privilege. We've known each other so intimately yet you still don't understand. Why?

I'll stop now. It's these kinds of wishful thinking that's linked me to loneliness.

It's fine anyway. I'm fine anyway. At least, I'll be better soon. And that's all that matters.

Echo.

2011-10-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

The sadness perforates deeply through my being. There are so many words and thoughts and feelings running back and forth in my head, wanting constantly to be expressed. Yet I can hardly even process half of it. And even when I have, when I've finally grasped it and built it to be propagated, I can never find the right words to do so.

Lately, my paper has just been an unflappable whirlwind of capricious and haphazardly written emotions. I'm like a child that doodles with crayons. My colors are never right and despite knowing and wanting to draw within the lines, finding that I'm not capable of doing so.

And like a child, I can only stare at my drawing in frustration, wanting to learn and grow up and be better, yet, I sit here helplessly feeling despondent, still feeling all the words and thoughts and feelings and not knowing what to do with myself.

These words I write are but an echo of it all.

I don't understand where my inspiration went.

Dear Friend,

2011-10-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Bah. I had a dream last night that's been bothering me all day. It was about someone who used to be really close to me.

I can't remember the dream too well. It only comes in hazy bits and pieces.

I remember missing you terribly. I felt this overwhelming need to talk to you. So I ended up in front of your house. I had your stuff with me in a box. I was using it as an excuse to talk to you. I remember vividly standing awkwardly in front of your house, inwardly debating whether I should just leave. I ended up walking up to your door anyway and knocking vehemently, determined to get through with it. However, as you opened the door to greet me, the will to do whatever it was I wanted to do, left me.

You stared at me coldly, trying to hide your confusion and surprise. I don't remember the words that we exchanged. Only that I apologized profusely. After listening to me, you stepped forward and threw your arms around me. I stood stiffly feeling stunned at the warm greeting.

You took your things inside, and next thing I knew, we were hanging out again. Everything was the same as before -- before all the arguing began. When things were simple. But at the same time, everything was different as well. I really can't put into words the difference. I just felt older, and I remember we were parked up in the hills, lying on the hood of your car, watching the sunset, and seeing the whole world so differently. I felt and saw the naivety of my childhood. And I told you about it. You sat quietly but I knew you were listening. I knew you agreed with my words, and you didn't even have to say anything. And that was exactly what I needed.

I remember greeting you by running up to you and hugging you in different scenes. And we were us again. But not, at the same time.

Anyway, I woke up and felt really strange. I hadn't ever dreamt about you in years. I don't even remember thinking about you the day before, or the days before that. It just felt bizarre to suddenly dream about you.

But it also felt nice to feel like I had my best friend back. And throughout the day, the deep pang of sadness echoed within me.

I miss you. I can only wish that you're happy, even though you're not beside me anymore.

Ugh. No more emotions, please. Back to studying databases.

FREEDOM!

2011-10-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

HOLY CRAP!!!

I'M OVER YOU!!!

I'M SO OVER YOU!!! HAHAHA!

This is amazing. I don't feel a thing when I look at you.

Woohoo! I will not be haunted anymore!!

FREEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMMM!!!

Fuck you, emotions!

Control.

2011-10-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

I need to start taking control of my life.

And starting today, I'm going to stop talking shit about people and humanity.

HA!

Nah, but I am going to try and limit the rants about it. I really need to focus on better things. My priorities are all jacked. Obviously, if I want to succeed, that is not the way to keep going.

I'm just going to stop paying attention to the little, meaningless things that bother me.

Yup.

Tired.

2011-10-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I could probably spout out a thousand posts on here about how much I just don't give a fuck anymore. About how much people are idiots. And about how I'm just so fucking tired of dealing with everything and everybody.

And it's true.

I'm so tired of dealing with the shit that I'm dealing with right now because the people that were supposed to love me and take care of me, manipulated me and used me for their own benefit. And then when they were done, they just threw me away like I wasn't anything to them. I'm tired of fighting against all the sadness and anger and frustration everyday. I'm tired of pretending to be okay so that others wouldn't worry.

Why?

Oh, but how I speak.

I am an utter contradiction, because despite all that, I continue to be positive and optimistic. I continue to struggle and fight. I continue to pretend to laugh and play with others like I'm one of them, like I'm as carefree as them. I play along with their view of me as nice and sweet and gentle. I force myself to be happy, especially on the days that I wake up and feel nothing but despair. I pray, and pray, and pray. And I dream and wish.

Like a child. Like a naive, little child.

Because part of me wants to be carefree. Part of me wants to be a light to others. Part of me wants to overcome the mountain and move forward to bigger and better things. Part of me wants to be that sweet and gentle person. And that same part of me believes that if I pray really hard, and continue to dream, wish, work, and struggle constantly, I'll be able to be that person one day.

But it's so hard. And it's a terribly lonely road.

So I flip-flop endlessly.

And I guess that's what I'm tired of too. I'm weak. And spoiled.

The struggle of feeling like I deserve to be happy and the overwhelming denial of everything both fight and burn inside everyday.

I'm really scared, of which side will win. And right now, I'm too tired to care what happens.

Fly.

2011-10-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Orange Marmalade.

It's strange. I know exactly how Baek Ma Ri feels in her situation.

A bird that cannot fly. That can't live so carefree like everyone else.

To have to pretend that she's like everyone else. To inwardly coax herself in the midst of her peers as she talks about the very core topic that secretly discriminates her.

"I'm doing great..." she thinks as she laughs with everyone else. "I'm doing great..."

Simple Things

2011-10-18T22:42:00.001-07:00

I wonder how it is...

I've finally learned to love someone deeply. To really feel love. To miss someone so passionately when they weren't next to me. To feel the utter and complete joy of running into their arms when they arrive; waking up and first seeing the person that I love. Feeling the touch of his skin against mine. And to hear him echo the words that touch the strings of my heart.

And then to hurt so deeply. To feel the immense pain of even just imagining my life without him. And then actually being away from him and feeling nothing but a torment of anguish.

But I wonder how it is...

For that all to be just how it sounds.

For, coupled with my love was hatred. At how you were to me. How we were to each other. How we were going nowhere. And how my heart couldn't change the way it felt.

Everything was so fast. So physical. So verbally hurtful.

I wonder how it would be like...

If we had started slowly. I want to be able to enjoy the simple things. Like the touch of your hand against my cheek. To feel the hesitation of first holding your hand as we walked side-by-side. I want to enjoy the way your arms feel around me when you hugged me. Or the way your lips feel when you gently kiss me. Or just your presence beside me when we sat by each other.

I want to really hear the words you say to me. Especially when you finally tell me that you love me. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me, softly, quietly, and sincerely, how much I mean to you.

I want to enjoy that moment when you hold me close to you and all I can hear is your heartbeat.

I want to feel forever with you.

I want to enjoy all these simple things -- all these simple things you scoff at.

Or Not.

2011-10-18T21:40:00.001-07:00

I've just realized how much I've gained and lost in the last three years. How different I am now.

You don't really notice how much you change day-by-day. I believe you just wake up one moment and realize the difference in yourself. The way you react to situations, people, and things. The thoughts and words that pour out of your mouth. The taste and smell of certain things. And suddenly, your view is skewed.

Suddenly the sky isn't as blue, or the grass as green. Suddenly the person you once thought of as practically your other half, the person who you've known in and out, is a whole other person. Different. Separate. Unknown.

Suddenly, people are foolish, fickle, complicated. Suddenly, you just don't want to bother with dealing with anybody. Suddenly, your body gets tired too easily. Suddenly, your mind gets bored too fast. Suddenly, the things, situations, and people that used to mean the world to you, are quite essentially useless.

Suddenly, words don't come as easily. And suddenly, you think, "Why bother?"

Or it could be the opposite.

Or not.

They Live

2011-10-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking how... it seems that every year that I turn older, I've become more cynical. I've reached the point where I've reached a limited patience for everybody--for anybody. People, to me, have just become mindless, walking trolls. Idiots blundering through life's pathless, pointless mazes. They've become a pain to deal with. Most days that I wake up, my own existence seems futile.

Joy is limited, pain is endless. Happiness only comes in short bursts; rain that temporarily shades the harsh sunlight, a sunlight that burns and blinds--everybody. Nobody is saved from it. There is no exception. Life is unfair, and most of the time, unjustified. And it will never be justified. We are just here.

My glass is half-empty. But who cares?

That's the most important question.

In the few short, yet also long and tedious, years that I have been on this soil, alive and breathing, I've learned the art of Not Giving A Fuck. Oh yes, I think it is a skill acquired only through years of experience.

Now, if only I can learn the art of Pretending To Give A Fuck, But Actually Not.

But then again, either I've grown quite cynical, or this is just reality. This is how it is--everybody knows it--and I've only just shed the rose-colored glasses you're either born with, or taught to wear, as a child. A little 'They Live'-esque, actually.

Also,

2011-10-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

People need to fucking stop telling this fool that I'm "weak".

I'm sorry I'm not as snappy or as bitchy or as quick-witted as everybody else. But that does not in any way make me any weaker.

Apparently, I'm a fucking wall. I can handle the shit that you constantly spit. It's all fucking bullshit nonsense anyway. Worth nothing.

But I fucking hate it. I fucking hate how everybody thinks I'm fucking "weak". Because I don't know have these quick retorts ready in hand. Because I'm not fucking sassy enough. Apparently, I need more attitude.

That's it. I need to start showing people that I'm not fucking weak.

Just because I fucking laugh at everything, just because I let things go easily, doesn't give you an excuse to step all over me. Doesn't give you an excuse to pick on me.

Fucking assholes. This world is full of fucking assholes.

Starting tomorrow, I'm going to be a fucking asshole.

You Motherfucker,

2011-10-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to vent for a little bit here...

You need to back off. Seriously. I know everybody's been telling me not to take anything you say seriously, but you need to back the fuck off. You seriously are offending me. I don't care if we're "family", you do not lay your hands on me. You do not fucking push me.

I may laugh it off now, but I have a limit. You reach that limit, you better watch the fuck out.

Go ahead, threaten me all you want. I know you don't have a the fucking balls to actually do anything. Just try.

You don't know half of the SHIT that I go through everyday. You don't know half the SHIT that I've been through all my life. I've dealt with heavier shit than the nonsense blabber of fucking bullshit that comes out of your mouth.

Fucking alpha male my ass. You're an overweight loser. Money and words are all you have. You can't even get the woman you love to be with you. What the fuck kind of alpha male is that?

Psh. Go ahead, make me cry. I've gone through worse. You are NOTHING.

N o t h i n g.

n o t h i n g .

Terrified.

2011-10-10T00:08:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally found something I'm really interested in pursuing as a career. Well, at least specifically which course to take in college.

But it's horridly terrifying. It's completely and absurdly daunting. I can't even find the right words to express how paralyzing the path is. The word 'intimidated' is a complete understatement of how I feel when I think about it.

In fact, when I think about it, I almost feel like throwing up. Both with utter fear and absolute excitement.

I haven't been doing my best in anything. Anything at all. And I know it. There is no excuse to it.

But I know--I KNOW--without any doubt in my bone that if I work hard, the hardest I have ever worked in my entire life, I feel I really have a shot.

However, what scares me isn't that I might not succeed in that field. What frightens me the most is the situation I'm in right now. What if I work my ass off, just give my whole into getting there, and then just when I think I'll be able to get a taste of my hard work, my situation completely hinders me?

I will be totally, wholly, and thoroughly crushed.

Urgh. I feel my food coming up. Bye.

Read this in a british accent:

2011-10-06T22:40:00.001-07:00

Dear Person,

I have not been inspired to write again since that one time about two to three weeks ago when I talked to you. I really don't know why you have such an effect on me. It's ridiculous. It's pathetic.

Some days I stop and think, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I still talking to this bastard?" True, it was a glorious couple of months. And then you disappeared. Who the hell knows what really happened? I sure don't. You came back and pulled a bunch of excuses out of your ass and threw in some genuine-sounding glittered embellishment. I fell for it. It was a vicious cycle. I was young. Well, younger. I thought I loved you. I declared it in some desperate attempt to keep you close to me. I don't remember what you said. I think you were flattered.

Pfft. It's the least I could do, sir.

For quite a while, I felt pretty wretched. I worked hard to better myself. I didn't feel good enough. And I just didn't understand why.

Thankfully, I had good friends that kept me on par. Soon I was well and alive, standing tall, and better than ever. Another prince charming came riding on his horse and I was swept away in a heartbeat. I was gone for quite awhile, actually. How long has it been? Geez. What an adventure. Up, up, up and away we went for a couple of months. Then we reached some hilly paths. Then it was straight up hill. But I was fiercely stubborn. My heart was captivated and I refused to let go for silly reasons -- at least, reasons I deemed silly. Anyway, we reached a cliff, and I jumped off. End of that story.

So what is the point of this rambling letter? Only the heavens know. I just like to rant about things.

Nah, I think my point was to bid thee adieu, monsieur. Despite you hurting me quite a bit, a few times at that, you've always held a special place in my heart, despite my adamant refusal to admit it before. I still don't understand why, really. I suppose I'll never understand now. I'll admit I'm bothered. But it's illogical of me to be so. Especially now.

All I can do is walk away with my head held high. Life goes on, si?

And thus, good-bye, sir. You have always been such a charming conversationalist and a darling person to me. Though it has been forever and a day since we've met, I never forgot about you. Little things reminded me of you. I think my sentimental side even kept our notebook. YES, I'm quite pathetic! But that's besides the point...

I can honestly say that I'm genuinely happy for you, sir. That you have finally found someone that has seen what I had seen in you before: an absolutely sweet, enchanting, smart, mature, down-to-earth, funny, and witty fellow who is worth wasting all the extra time and more which you can spare just to be closer to. And, I'm very glad you've finally been captivated in the same way.

I wish you the best of luck in all of your endeavors. All I can do now is be thankful that you have even walked into my life and touched and inspired me in some way. Love is a long, hard --but always worth it -- road.

Now, off into the sunset you go!

Cheers, luv. :)

Bittersweet

2011-09-28T13:41:00.001-07:00

It's crazy how I still feel a sort of tender bittersweet pang when I think of you.

But then the feeling goes away with the blink of an eye, and I forget why I even felt it.

Two Things

2011-09-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

There are two things that I could do right now. I could turn away and get depressed about this, hide from the world, and bury my sorrows deep within, like I always do, and basically, let the situation get the better of me. OR, I could just stand my ground, face the situation head on, struggle to keep pushing forward, and move the fuck on.

Looking back at the decisions I've made in the past, I think--no, I firmly believe that it's time to really grow up and choose the latter.

Everybody is moving forward, so why am I not? I keep thinking it's because of this situation I'm stuck with. But you know what? I've been having these epiphanies lately, and I've realized--not that I didn't know before, but knowing is different from feeling and really understanding--that the only thing standing in my way is myself. Everybody is carrying their own set of burdens. Mine is just a little heavier than most people I know. But it's not the heaviest either. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

I need to stop running away, clean up my mess, pick up my weight, and push forward despite it. I can be--no, I am so much better than I put myself down to.

I don't know how yet, but I know I can get through this situation somehow. I've missed so many opportunities because I was scared and was hiding. I can't keep doing that anymore. This--this quiet, neurotic, insecure introvert sitting here at work and pathetically typing away her feelings--I can't always be this way. I'm not this way.

I need to--gasp, just the thought is difficult--change. For the better.

It'll be terrifying, but I know that it'll be worth it in the end. And if I fail, which I pray will not happen, at least I'll have the benefit that I did my best.

FI, LD.

2011-09-27T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of everything. Of everybody. Of everyday. Of every word. Of every bullshit. Of every truth. And not even in a negative way.

What does it matter? What's the point? Who the fuck cares?!

Fuck it, let's dance.

I Rant.

2011-09-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

It's unbelievably overwhelming, how much I just want to tear my hair off and scream at the top of my lungs in frustration. I want to yell out about how awful my life is, how I'm so fucking tired of being in a miserable situation, how I don't want to come home and take care of a miserable, completely dependent old soul, how much my irresponsible and temperamental brother irks the shit out of me, how my unstable, selfish, irrational, and self-indulgent mother feels utterly useless as anything other than another relation buried in the past, and my pathetic and hopeless younger brother who wants absolutely nothing in life. Not to mention my completely self-absorbed, impulsive, crazy, hypochondriac grandmother on the other side of the country who talks about nothing else but how depressing her life is and how nice she is and how much she's helped us all because she's just so selfless all the time.

Everybody's always so self-pitying, self-concerned. It seems that they think that they're going through the worst out of everybody they know. "Boo-hoo, poor me. I've been treated horribly in the past by my own family who's supposed to love me. Cry, cry, whine, whine. I want money, money, money. Everybody is out to get me."

I just want to bundle everybody, lock them in a room together to see how COMPLETELY NUTS they really are!! FUCK. Get OVER yourselves! Don't live in the past! Stop letting it define you and rise above it!

I just CANNOT stand it! I want to be nothing like them. And I can admit that I probably share some traits--it's hard not to when you've lived with them for most of your life. The closest that's happened to my struggling is that now, I have so many issues, not to mention the fact that I'm in a helpless situation right now.

I want nothing to do with anybody. Ever. Crazy ass people!

UGH.

2011-09-21T13:48:00.000-07:00

UGH. I almost told her. I almost told her about those dreams!

I don't know if I should! She might think I'm weird -- weirder than I already am. And, she might think I'm creepy. Which, is not cool. 'Coz I'm not.

I don't even know why I dream of you. Stupid, stupid. I don't think about you. In fact, I think about someone else. I daydream about someone else. And yet, YOU pop into my head at night. What are you trying to tell me, subconscious?!

She knows you very well, and she's smart. Not that the latter is a bad thing, but she's my good friend. Part of me wants to tell her, and part of me doesn't.

I don't know. I'm rambling. And I can't do that right now.

I dreamt about him--again.

2011-09-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

I dreamt about him again.

I don't quite remember how it began. We were laying in bed, just hanging out, studying. We were in his room, I believe. I was laying on my stomach, and him on his side. I was on my laptop, and he was half-studying, half-watching television, I think. I'm not sure, but I think I reached for his arm, or my foot reached for his foot, and I started scratching it mindlessly.

He seemed to like it, however, and moved closer towards me. I remember I was reading something online, something related to school. He moved his head closer to me and my hand moved to run my fingers across the top of his head -- again, mindlessly.

Eventually, I looked over and saw that he had closed his eyes, the laptop and his books strewn across the bed. He had a peaceful expression on. I smiled fondly and asked him to move closer so I could reach him better. He crawled up towards me and lay his head on my chest. I remember vividly thinking how amazingly comfortable it was, and how I liked the feeling of his warmth. I turned back to my laptop and began reading again, my hands moving back and forth across his head and then down towards his arm, back and forth.

When I began to get tired, I stopped. He opened his eyes and smiled. I turned toward him and mirrored his expression. I really liked him, and I could tell that he liked me as well. He reached his arm up and over my shoulder and pulled me down to lay in front of him. I lay my head on his chest and laughed. He said something along the lines of, "Wasn't it so much easier?" I think he meant that he was very happy that I liked him.

"Mhm," I agreed.

We lay like that for awhile, forgetting about our studies. We laughed, we talked, we cuddled some more.

That's all I remember.

I looked it up right after I woke up. I don't understand why I dream about him so much. I don't think I've ever dreamt of one person as much as I of him in my entire life. A lot of people say that it's probably because I think of him constantly, or that he's the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.

Pft.

Let me tell you, what's on my mind constantly is work and school. And right before bed, I think about everything but him. And that's why it's always such a surprise to wake up after dreaming about him.

And my dreams about him are always romantic. And mutual.

Okay, I do have a slight crush on him. But I know he doesn't like me in real life. I guess it's just my wishful thinking playing with me through dreams.

It's so pathetic. How do I get rid of it?!

Quibbling.

2011-09-17T18:34:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know why I keep comparing myself to other girls who are prettier, smarter, funnier, and more accomplished. I really don't know why. But I need to stop. Because it does nothing more than make me feel like complete shit.

It further pronounces a situation that I cannot do anything about. I keep thinking, "If I just wasn't in this situation, I could be like that girl. That could have been me. But I am nothing more than a piece of shit."

But you know what? I almost did that today --I almost fell into that trap. But that's the difference with the me then and the me now. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to let myself feel like shit all over again. I'm not going to feel bad that assholes pay more attention to them.

Because, honestly, I don't even give a fuck anymore. I have to set my feet on solid ground and keep a smart head.

All I can really do now is just be the best that I can be. And maybe someday, I'll look back and actually be proud of the decisions I've made.

I'm tired of quibbling around. I'm not going to change FOR YOU. I'm happy with who I am. And if I decide to change anything, it'll be for the betterment of myself. Not for anybody else.

Inspired!

2011-09-17T00:36:00.000-07:00

I wonder... how much I've changed. And I wonder whether it's been for the better, or for the worse. I wonder if it's even good to wonder.

I saw this quote on Tumblr today that said, "Make peace with your past before it ruins your future."

I suppose for some people, they'd have one or two issues in the past that they could resolve by, let's say, asking someone for forgiveness. Mine, however, seems a little bit more complicated than that. Well, actually, that's an understatement. My past is definitively fucked, unfortunately. So much so that every time I manage to muster up the courage to unravel a knot from my past, I find it linked onto another knot, thus further complicating the web of tangled atrociousness that is my past.

I've found that the exhausting process of untangling these knots is a perpetuating process that, instead of benefiting my future, actually does the opposite. I spend so much time pondering, deciphering, unearthing, breaking down, recovering, and then running into more damn knots, that I end up wasting so much time. Some days I just feel completely spent. I want nothing more than to lie under the stars, listen to EitS, and just be. But I haven't found any time however.

Just today, someone asked me to hang out tomorrow. I promptly declined. They asked me why. I frowned and thought, "Because I don't feel like it". I opened my mouth to blurt out some pathetic excuse, but then I stopped myself. Why? Why lie about it? Fuck it. I just told them the truth. I wanted to be by myself. I haven't had any time to myself lately and it's just been driving me insane. I suppose this was an apt reply since they conceded and bid me a good night.

My goodness! I'm writing like my old self! What in the world happened?!

I'm not sure, but it feels really good. It's great. It's fantastic!

I feel like staying up all night and writing! Unfortunately, I do need to wake up early and work out... I promised myself I'll start taking better care of myself. It's worth too much money to get sick. And that's a truth to remember when I get too lazy to take my vitamins or work out, or when I embellish my plate with nothing but junk food.

And thus, I bid thee farewell.

I feel a little bit inspire tonight. Good night and I do hope that I won't lose this inspiration to the night.

It hurts.

2011-09-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

This depression hurts. But I'm forever thankful to have wonderful people in my life.

UGH.

2011-09-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

I want to keep in touch with random people from my past...

But I can't. I'm really curious how we get along now.

I feel like I've changed so much--and I can't figure out whether it's good or bad. Whether I'm far off from who I used to be.

All I know is I feel very different, and it scares me.

Anyway, to be fair, I'm sure I'm not the only one that's changed. I'm sure in some way, the people I want to talk to have changed in their own way too.

Ugh. But I'm so curious. I want to talk to them.

I want to talk to YOU.

KISA

2011-09-10T22:03:00.001-07:00

"You're so normal," I blurted out.

He scrunched his face in confusion. "Normal?" he asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "But it's a good thing!" I added quickly. "It's a very good thing..."

"Well," he chuckled. "I actually strive to be unique."

I turned to look at him with a smile. He didn't understand. And that was okay. I doubt he ever would.

I think I've finally given up on thinking--hoping, dreaming--that I'd meet some tall, handsome stranger who would walk into my life and turn it around for the better. I'd never admit this to anyone. Ever. But I have imagined it for quite some time.

I keep thinking some day, I'll meet a sweet man who'll like me for who I am, who'd want to be in my life because he genuinely cared about me. I'd imagine that he'd find out about my situation, and that it'd pain him to see me in great trouble, and that he'd promise to take care of me for the rest of eternity because he just can't bare to see me enduring any more pain in my life. Because he loved me, and I loved him.

Yes, it's pretty pathetic. And I would never ever tell anyone this. But I have dreamt, for a very long time, for a knight in shining armor to come and whisk me away to our own little paradise.

I feel ashamed just writing it down. I've been raised to be more pragmatic than that. I know it'll never happen, but somewhere deep inside me, I can't stop hoping or dreaming that it'll happen.

But I can't anymore. I really can't anymore. This part of me is hurting me more than it's doing good. All this wishful thinking, all this foolish nonsense... It has to stop.

I need to strap myself down to Earth, wipe away the sleep in my eyes and start planning what to do with myself. I'm not getting any younger, and everyday that I close my eyes and dream, I miss an opportunity in real life. Or I fall into traps because I hope that it's not what it really is.

There is no such thing as a knight in shining armor. Though it pains me greatly to even think about it, I must admit it. I'll write it a hundred times--a million times if I have to! I have to convince that part of myself that there just isn't a man out there like that. There just isn't. And if there was anybody even close to it, he wouldn't be for me. I couldn't deserve such an outstanding person.

I have to focus on work and school.

And thus is my life.

Blessed.

2011-09-10T21:57:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm headed in the right direction. I know there are definitely a lot of mistakes I've made. And now I'm in a situation I have no complete control over. My life could flip backwards anytime, and I'm terrified everyday.

I really just want to live a normal life -- whatever this 'normal' is. I guess I just want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to meet people that I could form strong bonds of friendship with, that I could somehow touch in some way.

But it's definitely easier said than done. I guess that's because I have a lot of my own demons to conquer. I'm not completely whole myself.

A lot of the time, I question myself. A lot of the time, I feel the hurt more deeply than I want to. And it hinders what I want to do.

I keep trying to fix myself. In fact, when I was younger, I always thought it'd be much easier to be with a significant other. Oh, but how naive I was.

Today, I'm just really grateful for everything despite the hardships that I have to go through. I'm very blessed. I just wish I could share these blessings with others with an open heart and mind.

Focus.

2011-08-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

I JUST CAN'T GET A BREAK FROM MY LIFE!

I hate everybody. This whole thing is ridiculous! I'm in a sketchy situation, I finally have a job after so long of searching, I'm finally paying for my school, I'm finally doing good for myself -- and they all take advantage of me. And because they're my family, they think they have a right too and use this against me. And because they're my family, if I say no, I'm a bitch.

You know what this feeling is? It's the same dark, heavy, barren, soul-eating abyss of despair and hopelessness that slowly and painfully devours every bit of you until there's nothing left for you to go on...

But I can't. I can't give in. I can't let myself feel defeated.

I need to focus. Focus on work and school. Fuck everything. Fuck everybody.

Third Person Rant

2011-08-21T15:32:00.001-07:00

It's not like she didn't have anything to say. In fact, she had quite a lot of things to say. The problem really was that she didn't have anyone to say these things to.

A lot of people like to claim that they listen, but most people only hear, not listen.

To really listen to someone, an open-mind and open-heart clear of judgment is needed. Most people hear the first couple of words and already have an opinion. I suppose it's just human nature to hear things and have reactions formed. That just means that listening is a skill.

A lot of days I think that I probably just need a really good friend to talk to about everything. I just need to feel that they're actually listening to what I'm saying. I thought I might find that in someone I recently re-met. But that's not the case at all.

Maybe I need to meet people with that open-mind and open-heart. I suppose that I shouldn't form expectations when I meet people, I should just let them be.

I think I'll try that. Definitely. It sounds ideal.

And when I find things I like about people, I'm sure I'll want to get to know them more. And when I find things I don't like about people, I'll try to stay away from that person.

Yup.

Well,

2011-08-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

Last night was a bust. So much for trying to party again. It's so not my thing anymore. I just can't get into it.

And man, ending the night in front of the toilet bowl throwing your guts up is beyond awful. I never want to do that again. I keep trying to look back into the past--what the hell was so fun with it?

I was honestly terrified last night. I was so out of it. I used to be so cool about it, but I couldn't relax. I was aware that I was high, and I wanted it to stop, but I couldn't. I had to calm myself down and breathe and tell myself that it'll be over after I sleep. So... I passed out.

So much for that. Urgh. :|

And now I have these hickeys and I don't even remember much of the experience of getting it. So disgusting.

Never, never, never again. I just have to tell him. Your scene is not my scene exactly. It used to be. But not anymore.

These were things that I would have done in high school and be all excited about. But I just can't do it anymore. It's just not in me.

I felt like I was wasting my time last night being fucked up. I could have been getting a good night's rest. I could have gone to church early like I usually do.

Urgh. Double, triple urgh.

I like the path I'm on now. Bye-bye party scene.

Dismissed.

2011-08-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

I realize now how different I am from who I used to be. Two years ago, I would've welcomed that text message, and in fact, been utterly excited without a doubt. It would probably have made my day.

But today, as I stop and think about it, it makes me more sad than anything.

Is that all I am to you? When you think about me, you think about sex? Well, that's not special at all. You can think that about anyone, really.

Dismissed.

This Work Is Purely Fictional

2011-08-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

I wish I could remember every detail of how everything used to be. You were the one that I liked the most. As everyday passes, however, the picture blurs just a little more. As if time itself erases it from my mind.

All I can remember clearly were those little moments in the hallways of school. Whenever you walked in my direction, your attention would immediately go to me and your eyes... they lit up bright and beautiful. People always talked about how beautiful blue eyes were, but I never really understood it until that moment. I felt my heart skip whenever I looked into them. It always felt like you were looking straight into my soul. And then the corners of your mouth rose up in harmony as you grinned at me. You would then throw your arms around me and embrace me like you hadn't seen me in so long. Like you genuinely missed me. And everything around me always seemed to fade. All that mattered in those moments were you and me, filling up all the empty space in the world. I never felt lonely when you were there. You were my sun, always bright and cheerful, chasing away the shadows that constantly followed me. I could always rely on you to cheer me up when I was down, to keep me company when I was alone, and to cheer me on when I felt I couldn't succeed.

I wish I saw it all like this back then, but the pains of teenage naivety kept me from noticing anything until it was too late. I was always too caught up in the moment to realize what was happening. That we had grown so close to each other.

It seemed like such a crazy thing when I found out you liked me. You were so disappointed that day you were going to surprise me with flowers and I didn't show up.

If only life's events had turned out differently, where would be right now? If I had showed up that day, would it have been just another high school fling? Or would you be by my side right now?

I'd like to say 'I miss you'. But that wouldn't be right. I'm sure you're a completely different person now. You've been gone for far too long. So I'll end this post with something more appropriate. I miss how we used to be.

My Life & Dear Friend,

2011-08-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

Twenty-one years of living, and the majority of my life has been fighting the demons that rage inside of me.

From growing up without parents, raised by grandparents that as soon as I wasn't a cute toddler anymore, shoved me into a room and forgot about me. That cared neither that I was depressed or that I had unconsciously developed anorexia at age twelve, which, by the way, became a major catalyst of many more terrible and disastrous events in my life to come.

My mother had left my little brother to me at age eleven and left for England. Everyday that he asked me why our mother had gone, I choked up because I had no answers to give. I couldn't mature fast enough to realize later on that I shouldn't have left him behind when I came here at age fifteen--dragged by the same grandparents that during all these times, either ignored me, or made fun of the fact that I wasn't eating, and who promised me a good and fruitful life here filled with better education and princess cruises, none of which came true anyway.

In fact, moving here was an extreme point in my life as well. As if the days before that, days of being torn between waking up and plastering on a smiling face and then coming home and cutting my arms because I was so frustrated and upset and I had absolutely no idea how to deal with everything going on around me.

I never had anyone to talk to. My very best friends, when I shared my dark secrets, instead of being supportive, I had unintentionally influenced. They showed up to school one day with cuts on different parts of their bodies. I was floored. After that, I realized, I couldn't trust anyone with these burdens.

Only a couple of people in my life know how far my life has further sunk, and only the very few know the battles I face everyday.

One of them, I had a long and meaningful friendship with. But who I had a falling out with. One of the biggest regrets of my life. Many days, I wish I could still talk to him. I said, many times before, how I understood his feelings. But as I look back, I cringe at how selfish and naive I was. Only now do I really comprehend how deeply I have hurt him. Not just in our last fight, or my decision to be with some jerk (Yes, he was right. As always.), but also in all the little things I have done in the duration of our friendship. I am such a pathetic excuse for a human being.

My dear friend, you who only had the best of intentions, I wish I could apologize to you fully. To tell you how truly, deeply sorry I am for everything. I took you for granted and now I can only wish that you could even think of me as something more than a pathetic waste... You were right, you were all my best friends and more. You were the only one who really understood my situation, my fully dysfunctional family, and most of all, me. You understood my habits, my thoughts, my goals and you had so much faith in me. You supported me every time, all the time. You were the only one, possibly in my life, that I could vent out everything, every little thing, to. You were, and as of now, the only one I could talk comfortably to for hours and not get bored. You saw me in my darkest moments and instead of being disgusted and walking away, you picked me up and helped me move on. I disappointed you in so many ways, not because I was a failure, but because you knew that I could do so much better than where I was at. You never made me feel stupid in any way. In fact, you always made me feel really good about myself. And you meant every compliment you gave me. Whether you liked it or not, you were always honest to me about everything I did.

You tried your hardest to stop me from ruining my life at so many points in my life. I can't even count how many times you could have said, "I told you so." You were so frustrated at me when I turned away from you. And how foolish I was for doing so. To this day, I regret pushing you away from my life.

I still remember the last night we ever stopped talking. I think I still remember every word. Your face as I told you what I was doing with my life. How mad and upset you were. And how cold I was towards you. You said something along the lines of, "Is this it?" And you pointed out the irony of the fact that it seemed like we were breaking up.

I keep feeling a stab of pain every time I think about it. I was so stupid. I'm still so stupid.

I keep wishing I could talk to you again. And hang out just like old times. Or at least to ask for forgiveness and start anew. But just the thought of it makes me cringe. How even more pathetic it would seem to even try crawling back to you. Like a dying fish. Mostly, I couldn't do it because I can't imagine that you would ever forgive me. Ever.

I wish you could. But I wish a lot of things, and none of them ever come true. Besides, wishful thinking is dangerous...

Anyway, everyday is still a constant struggle. I'm doing a little better. But I feel like I'm going insane. Everything feels so wrong. I continually think of flinging myself off of a bridge. But I'm too grateful to even allow myself the pleasure of the thought.

But lately, that deep, dark side of me keeps surfacing and eating away at the hope and optimism I try to build for myself. It's patched up of all the anger, hatred, hurt, and frustration that I've bottled up in my life.

Right now, my only defense is a prayer.

Difficulties

2011-08-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

I feel like crap again today. It's so hard to be so positive all the time. It's so tiring. Everything is so tiring.

I feel so bad, I feel like flinging myself off of a bridge and into the waters below. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it and I thought, it would probably be really cold and awful. But then again, the world is really cold and really awful. So what's the difference?

At least if I just lay in the water and not breathe and not move, everything will go away. Everything will stop. All this coldness and awfulness will disappear.

I just want to stop feeling so sad and pathetic and tired all the time.

Como Estas?

2011-08-04T22:55:00.001-07:00

My mood tonight is much more pleasant than normal. I'm actually in quite high spirits.

I went over to my adoptive family's home and played video games for hours after work. It was actually really fun. The fact that I was exhausted probably also helped--I was cracking up everywhere.

Right now, I'm very inspired to write! But what about? I'm not sure. And I think it's becoming too late. I'm SO tired. I could just close my eyes right now... and BOOM. Passed out.

Good night, world!

Darkness

2011-07-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

What is it...? That makes me feel so sad once I get home.

I had a long, fun day today. We had an LoTR marathon from 8AM to 9PM -- that's 13 hours of movies! And delicious food in between! And yet I wasn't satisfied. I wasn't having as much fun.

Why is that?

Even when I hang out with Max, I don't have fun.

Where has my life gone? Why did it disappear?

Is it because it's just long been gone, and I never noticed? I was too afraid to lose my relationship that even though I was suffering everyday, even though I was miserable every night, even though I laughed emptily, I stayed. Was it that?

If so, how do I get it back? How can I laugh heartily again? How can I smile genuinely and feel that warmth grow inside of me?

I feel so empty. Everyday. People feel so useless. Instead of companions, they feel more like nuisances. A burden, a bother, I have to keep dealing with. I don't like that feeling, that view of life.

I am definitely not the type to find fulfillment in carnal desires though--sex, drugs, alcohol, money. I've been there, done that, and it's only done more harm than good. And that's how it will always be. So that's definitely not a road I'm going to take.

I can only pray that I will find my light soon. This darkness, heavy and consuming, yet empty and forlorn, is getting to me.

Part of me just wants to stop moving forward. I don't even remember how it's like to feel so carefree anymore. Those memories, though I grasp at them in vain, are now fading. I almost feel hopeless, but I'm not audacious enough let myself feel that way. Because I'm grateful for everything, and I always will be.

I just need patience and guidance. S'all.

Nothing but a phase.

2011-07-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost touch of what it feels like to just be carefree and genuinely ecstatic about things--little things, big things.

I can't even write. I haven't written in two years.

Was it you? We were so cooped up together; you squeezed the life out of me--I killed myself. I tried to find happiness, but instead, I buried myself deep into a hole.

I'm so tired of people. I just can't stand them most days now. All they do is talk and talk and talk about useless bullshit things. I'm tired of people talking about other people.

I want to hear you talk genuinely about LIFE. This life of ours is so BIG and small, all at the same time. This universe is so tremendously huge, and yet your worlds are all so tiny! Talk about English or History or Mythology or Philosophy! Stop talking about the type of coffee you want tomorrow and how hot someone is or how big their tits are and all the crazy ass parties you blacked out in! I already know how that's like. Your experience is different from mine, sure, but at the end of the day, it's all the same. So what makes yours better than mine? What makes you think I would want to hear yours because you drank two more bottles of vodka than I did? Been there, done that, over it. We already live in such compacted lifestyles! Why limit our imaginations? Our creativity? Doesn't anybody dream or ponder or wonder? Just because we've grown up, doesn't mean we can forget about how it's like to be inspired! I don't ever want to stop star-gazing and talking about life on other planets. I don't ever want to stop throwing out our random 'what if's' and then going beyond conventional conversation and just reaching out of the box, this box that we are all so stuck in everyday.

Just because everyday becomes routine, we shouldn't limit our thinking, our conversations, our dreams, our goals, our plans to what type of coffee you're going to have tomorrow morning, or the shirt you're going to wear today.

Because honestly, I don't give a shit whether you choose vanilla or french roast--coffee is coffee.

Crap.

2011-07-22T17:57:00.001-07:00

It's funny... how you don't even really realize how crappy your life really is until someone else puts it in simple words, until someone else points it out to you.

So it has come to this.

2011-07-11T19:21:00.001-07:00

I can't believe how far we've fallen. Even though it hurts, somewhere deep inside, I've always known it just wasn't meant to be. We are so different.

Some moments I miss you enough to want to jump back in your arms, but all it really takes is another moment to remember all the times you've hurt me, for that feeling of nostalgia to disappear and die.

I guess it's just the familiarity that keeps me close to you.

But it's time for a change. I'm tired of our old life--of crying alone, despite you there, of feeling helpless, despite you there, of feeling stupid and useless, despite you there.

It's going to hurt more, but we can't be. It's life. It's reality.

I just hope you'll understand that eventually, this is for the best--for both of us--and that eventually, we'll be okay.

Twenty years down the line, our relationship will be just a stepping stone to better things.

Illuminator

2011-07-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I will be your prodigy,

your young illuminator.

A hungry canvas of dreams,

willing and able.

I will be your shining star,

your novel genesis.

Mold me and make me,

build me or destroy me.

Good mood

2011-07-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in a really good mood today, and it’s actually scaring me.

I haven’t laughed so sincerely in a while.

I'm just grateful. Always.

Forward.

2011-06-27T21:51:00.001-07:00

I just want to drown out the whole world. But I fear that if I do, if I stop for just one second, I will break. And I've worked so hard to keep this composure -- I can't just stop.

But what is it...? I'm on the edge, on the brink of falling apart. Turning around seems like the best way--and someone has told me so. But I can't. I just cannot stop in my steps, in this path I've trudged through to just turn around because I'm too weak to face these challenges, too weak to face the suffering, the hard work, the pain. The truth is, I'm terrified. I'm absolutely, completely, frightened of it. But I'm here, aren't I? And I'm not going anywhere.

There are so many lessons that I've learned these past few years. Through new experiences, through both good and bad decisions that I've made. My eyes have opened to the world. I've gained some scars that I'm proud of. And I don't want to give it up.

In fact, I want to learn more things. I want to gain more experiences. I haven't seen everything in the world, and I would gladly trudge further to see more of it, no matter how painful it is right now. I'll take these scars and I'll wear them proud. Even if it means risking an open wound. I'll fight. I'll work and I'll work hard.

I don't know what it is that's driving me, or keeping me here. Most of the time, I just want to give up just because of the sheer burden of being here. But I'm here and I feel that there is a greater purpose to that.

Perhaps it's just the way I view things. I could just look at everything and say, "Wow. My life is fucked up. Fuck everything and fuck everyone for hurting me."

But that's not how I am. I'm not in an ideal situation. And I need to do something about it.

So I'll keep moving forward. No matter how many times I fall.

Sore Throat with a Revenge

2011-06-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

Ah, so my sore throat came back the other night with a vengeance and yesterday, I awoke to a fever and a cold. The runny nose is always the worst for me. I didn't even mind the body aches, the nausea, and the fever too much. I just hated having to blow my nose, literally and with no exaggeration, every two minutes.

Thankfully, Max bought me some medicine, even though I was initially too stubborn to agree to even taking any. And today, I'm better! I do still feel a little woozy. I was cooking pancakes for breakfast and it looked like the pancakes were expanding constantly. Of course, I was just dizzy.

Anyway, I'm reading 幸福喫茶３丁目 written by Kou Matsuzuki. I'm definitely digging the 'slice of life' feel to it. It's something I can stop and come back to any time I feel like it. No pressure of rushing the chapters or just getting to the end, which is basically how I'm trying to feel about my life right now.

I got a job interview earlier this week and I think it went well. I'm really excited about it and I do hope that I get the job! Especially after listening to the interviewer talk more about delving deeper into colors. I hope I didn't look like a nerdy spaz blurting out things like, "How exciting!" or "Sounds fun!". Lol.

That's all for now since being online is making me a little bit dizzy. Update again later, maybe.

Cheers.

Summer Update: Uno

2011-06-08T20:00:00.000-07:00

It's been approximately two weeks since school has ended and so far, I have been sleeping summer away. No bueno.

I've been feeling pretty antsy lately too. I figure this is because I have not been doing much lately, and this bothers me... A good friend of mine and I had a good talk last night. The topic, surprisingly, has been something I've been mulling around lately.

I've always felt this desire to do something great in my life. And by great, I do not mean acquiring earthly materials or fulfilling carnal desires.

I have always found great pleasure in being of service to people.

So far, my life plan is quite general. Since I love going to school and learning, I'm hoping to grab a PhD one day in a scientific/medical field and use this to make an impact in others' lives. I've said it better in a post on FB awhile back.

That, so far, is my general plan in life.

However, I don't even know specifically what career I want to be in. Scientific/Medical is such a HUGE field. -_- I've been reading a lot of books lately and I'm hoping that I'll be able to narrow it down better.

Also, I'd need a stable job because currently, I'm having trouble just paying for community college.

SUMMER READING LIST:

1. Mind, Life and Universe: Conversations with Great Scientists of Our Time by Lynn Margulis, Edwin Punset
2. Reason for Hope: A Spiritual Journey by Jane Goodall, Phillip Berman
3. The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
4. The Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
5. Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney E. Martin
6. Life-Size by Jenefer Shute

I'm hoping to add an Einstein book somewhere in between since he's currently my favorite inspiration. But in the meantime, I'm going to focus on these books.

And, I've also been meaning to change the template of my blog. I think I'll get on that one tomorrow.

For now, I need to get some sleep so I can wake up early tomorrow and work out. I miss my yoga classes!

Cheers!

Upset.

2011-05-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

Some people, really!

As a person who's in a difficult situation, it's painful for me to watch others throw away opportunities that are practically spoon-fed to them!

Sometimes I just want to shake them and yell, "You don't know how good you've got it!"

Oh, the insanity.

[P.S.]

This site needs some serious pimpin'. At least some color. I love minimalistic design, but I'm getting bored of all the greys. Let's see what I can do about it when I get some more free time this week. So if you come upon my site and something weird happens, it's under construction. :)

Oh, my.

2011-04-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's only been a week since my piano has been sold and I am now extremely depressed...

"You don't miss the water 'til the well runs dry."

I am definitely not a materialistic person, so this quote has only really applied to me in regards to people. But, I guess, since my piano was my most prized possession, truly, I feel now how much I have taken it for granted -- leaving it uncovered for months, letting the dust just pile up on it, practicing only three times a week at the most, and finally, selling it.

I know that it was for the best cause... But it's been two weeks and that cause has not made progress!

@!#&$*

If it doesn't make progress soon, I can't save my money, thus, I can't replace my piano, which was my plan from the start.

Ack! My fingers are stiff from lack of practice and my heart shatters every time I hear a beautiful piece I would love to learn!

Damn you, poverty. Why hast thou forsaken me?

Don't worry, piano. We shall reunite again soon. I will find a way!

*cue sad, nostalgic music*

[P.S.]

In commemoration to this sad event, I updated my playlist. I actually found a playlist on Mixpod.com called "Sad, piano music", wherein there is actually a song called "Very sad piano music (only for those who really feel the music)". And, you know, I figured, "Hey, I totally feel the music. Not to mention, I'm sad AND I miss my piano." Isn't that perfect?

It's Funny...

2011-04-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

You’d think that as we get older, we become braver. When in fact, it’s the opposite — we become more scared, of so many different things, on such great levels. It’s just that we get better at hiding it, that’s all.

...maybe it's just because with age comes great awareness. Awareness through our experiences. Our eyes open and we realize just exactly how big this world really is. How mommy and daddy aren't going to hold our hands, or even be there to run to, forever, and if we never really had either, how alone we could really be. And then we gain things we would give our lives up for in a heartbeat, because we feel pain in such great depths. And here is born a heightened sense of fear.

But, we always have choices. And life's only really about perspective. You can choose to let all your experiences, your rejections, your pains, hopes, and fears bring you down, or you could choose to see that deep, dark abyss as a great adventure.

So, which one do you choose?

Dear Wishful Thinking,

2010-12-31T18:10:00.000-08:00

Though I try to crush you, you always seem to get up. Oh, if only I had your strength and determination, which I still have completely no idea of what or how you are fueled by. Perhaps some divine notion. Or perhaps, what others might call naivety, but, of which, I call stupidity.

Try as I might to choke you out, you always seem alive, deep in the recesses of my brain. Maybe though, I just haven't tried my absolute best to snuff you out. This should be one of my New Year's Resolutions.

I simply cannot go around still thinking somewhere in the back of my head that someone will come and rescue me from my sorrow, from my sadness, from my despair.

Thanks to you, oh dear Wishful Thinking, you have twice shattered my heart into pieces. This last one, I swear to everything precious to me, will the last time that you have caused it.

I must plant my feet firmly on the ground, and when I dream, I must dream of earthly things, of things that I can actually reach. And I must convince my feelings that this is for the best of you; that you may never hurt as much anymore.

I shall love still, but I shan't love more than I can. To give myself fully to anything animated, living and breathing (possibly unless you are a cat or a dog, for whom I have promised to love forever) is never going to happen again -- it is only to my Lord that I give myself irrevocably.

This, I shall embed in my mind, not only for 2011, but for the rest of my life.

Cheers to the New Year!

Ah, I have found you...

2010-12-31T17:07:00.000-08:00

...on Facebook.

Technology... *smh* As great as it is, it's definitely weird. I could just try and connect right now. But, I feel like I should leave it up to fate.

Plus, I don't need another distraction. Once school starts, I just want to focus on school. And hopefully, work.

Too bad. I thought you were really cool.

Cheers to friendship, Facebook, and fate.

STRESS ~ ! ! ! >_<;;

2010-11-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

I feel stressed out. I guess I'm not used to my babe being home all day again. It's stressful because I forget how overwhelming he gets. :|

Today, I was just practically dying to get to class even though I really did not want to sit there for an hour and a half and watch a bunch of people present their speech for, basically, the whole period. And that was my peace and quiet for the day...

Until now!

Babe went out to go to one of his now former co-worker's house to watch the game. Hopefully he'll be gone for like three hours or something. Lol.

Not that I don't appreciate him or that I'm not glad he's home. I am. I just really value my alone time and having had so much of that lately has been so nice. Especially since babe gets a little too hyper sometimes. =__=;

And today too... oh, the stress of living with other people... Especially these guys...

Look, yes, I am a girl. But I'm also human. I don't look my very best all the time. And if you want me to look my best, I need time to get ready. Geez, and none of these people understand this at all! Unlike you boys, we have all these limbs to shave, okay? So yes, we do need extra time in the shower. You like our skins soft and silky, right? Well, after showers, we do need to moisturize. Even though I'm Asian, I don't have spotless skin. I do need some time to put on some make-up. And you like our hair nice, long, and pretty, right? Well, we need to make it that way because unfortunately, we don't wake up and look like Victoria's Secret models.

So I'm sorry I take a bit longer than you guys in the shower. But I'm more sorry that y'all don't even care about hygiene and only take a shower, like, once a week. So what's the point of complaining again? Y'all don't even use the damn shower.

So, again, don't criticize anything you don't understand. And if you don't want me to take so long, then don't complain. In fact, please just stfu because I have more important things to stress about than worrying about this.

Bah, humbug.

2010-10-29T16:35:00.001-07:00

Super Princess, he calls me.

To think a stranger can just say these things to me.

I shouldn't be so mean, though.

I know I'm just sore because I can't actually do all these things he thinks I'm doing. My efforts have succeeded. I have cut myself off from most of society, excluding church, school, family, and my boyfriend.

I'm just so tired of people placing so much hope in me, when I myself can't seem to do that. Every time I try... it's so futile.

Sometimes it is hard for me to go to church, as is. I get so angry, and I just can't help it. I feel like breaking down and crying. I used to be so good at wearing a mask. Especially when I was younger. I hid everything inside all the time.

It took the closest people in my life, my best friends, the longest time to figure that I was suffering inside. And only because they saw those stupid cuts on my wrist that ironically popped up when I was drunk. And, unfortunately, it took me awhile to realize that not only did it not help me, but I influenced my friend so badly.

They showed up weeks later with cuts on random parts of their body. They tried it too. I was more devastated.

Anyway, it doesn't matter now. They've forgotten about me, for the most part... It makes me really sad. Especially now when I don't have anyone.

And dammit. I never seem to learn from my mistakes. As hard as I try, I keep failing.

This is probably why God put me in this situation. I deserve this punishment.

...as much as I hate it, I can't give up though. I'll take this punishment and I'll be stronger.

Right now, I can't really do anything, for myself, for anyone. And the latter kills me the most. But I'm still here and I'm breathing. I have to find a way to be able to make myself of better use.

My family is ridiculous. Everyone in my life says so, and through experience, I have learned so. I have to keep these things in mind because I do not want to end up like them.

I'm sorry that's so offensive. But it's true.

I have only a couple of minutes to gather myself now. Later.

God & Anime

2010-10-29T10:12:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching anime last night. I started at around 11:00 PM and told myself I'll go to bed in an hour.

Well, as you would have guessed, three hours later I was still up and watching anime.

It's funny 'coz the whole time, I wasn't even thinking. I just kept clicking onto the next episode. And right when I thought to myself, "I wonder if I should stop?" Firefox crashed.

Thank you, Divine Intervention, because without you, I probably would have been up all night.

Yup.

Thoughtless?

2010-10-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

Ugh. There are so many words floating around in my head and I have no idea how to write them down. Scenarios, random phrases, random thoughts -- this is probably why I'm always out of it. =__=;

It's almost come to a point where I have to sit down and gather myself for a minute because I feel overwhelmed, like I don't know what to do with myself. TT__TT

I should take another poetry class, or a fiction writing class, or something. That worked out pretty good last summer. It was a good mental work out.

It might also be because I'm so conversation-less, if that makes any sense... I need a friend with whom I can have a damn good conversation with!!!

>_<;;;;

Anyway...

Mom said that the psychic she met up with said that I was taking the wrong major. I wonder if I should be a writer instead. I know my English teachers would agree hands down. But I like Science. :/

Oh well. I'll find my way.

I hope today will be a good day!

Personal To-Do List Before December:

2010-10-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

Lose 10 lbs (at least. That would make me very happy)
Buy a pair of boots or a new sweater
Make sure not to cut my hair anymore
Not miss anymore class

What?

2010-09-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Why, hello there, dear blog of mine! Which I have not used in quite awhile...

How about an update? Yes? Well then, here goes:

Nothing much has changed. Unfortunately. Haha. Yes, I am laughing because though this is a very depressing fact, I have decided that if I am going to just be stuck in this rut for awhile, I should not wrap myself in the dark storm cloud hanging heavily right above me (as I have been again for the past weeks), but to lift my head up and march on this dirt path with utter determination and enthusiasm.

Yes, I shall weather this storm! *cue epic music*

No, but seriously... The pastor at our church has been talking, these past couple of weeks, about love and passion. That if we were to have only a month to live, how would we make the most of it. And well, these past several weeks (maybe even months), I've noticed that I've slowly become a vegetable. I've just been wallowing in sorrow and self-pity when I should be out there paving a path for myself despite this humongous obstacle that has been placed in front of me.

Of course, this is easier said than done... As I do tend to have bursts of inspiration like this and then slowly fall back into my misery once it has subsided...

BUT! Surprisingly, through this church, I have met some people that have been inspiring me lately. I've been raised a strict Catholic all my life. I went to a very prestigious Catholic school ever since I could walk and talk and it's only when I moved here that I wasn't able to have that opportunity again. I'm thankful for it. But being a part of this new Christian church is actually a refreshing experience.

I'm finally meeting people that are like my old friends. Passionate, caring, and loving. Weird. I'm just having this realization right now as I type. Wow. Hold on. This realization is pretty huge...

I just realized that... my friends back home who I have grown up with and who have been there for me for all the times my family wasn't (and my family has not been there too much, to say the least), all have one thing in common. We love God.

We had different personalities, temperaments, and we all loved different things. But we got along just fine. Aside from the fact that we love each other, we shared a passion for God, which I'm sure bonded us to whole different level. We all went to church together, sang and hangout at the choir corner. And when we worried, we prayed together. And though now, I somehow find it a little, tiny bit cheesy, it makes sense.

It makes sense that a lot of the friends I've made here, when I compare them to my friends back home, I always feel that something is missing.

Okay... I don't know where I'm going, kind of. I need time to think. Lol.

That's probably it for the update right now. I'll try to update again tomorrow, or later.

<3

Inspired?

2010-05-23T14:35:00.001-07:00

After browsing through Xanga, I found a blog that really... got to me, I guess. Her blog reminded me so much of what this blog used to be.

Before that, I was going through some old papers that I've compiled, all of them meaning something to me, and I ran into an old entry that I ripped from the notebook. It was dated November 16, 2006 -- the second month after coming here.

As I read it, a whole wave of mixed emotions washed over me. First was my surprise and incredulity at how immature I seemed to have been, complaining here and there about random things, and oh! my deliciously preppy language. Mostly, it made me sad, however... to see how far I've gone, and though I've matured plenty, at how little I've really achieved. It made me sad, and angry, to see that even though I was quite an immature, little brat back then, I had the biggest dreams and aspirations. I lusted for knowledge and to experience the world. I wanted the world. It was almost ridiculous.

It was ridiculous, I eventually came to realize. And here I am.

Haha. Oh, how ridiculous indeed. Not that I've stooped to the very low, of course. I promised myself just yesterday, that all this will NOT go to waste. I will make something of myself here. As difficult as it is, I'm starting to realize a lot of important lessons on life. It's painful. Like someone just slashed my eyes open and threw me out into the blinding light, out into the harsh world when I barely knew how to walk, how to talk, much less breathe.

But that doesn't matter anymore. The past, though important, should not hold me down. Much less my present. Listen up, Future, I'm going to make you a good one. Just watch.

YOU.PISS.ME.OFF

2010-04-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Please, players, don't bring your game to me because I KNOW the rules and I can see through those fake lines, those fake moves, and those fake smiles.

I hate it. It's absolutely disgusting.

Why don't you just be yourself? What the hell is wrong with this world that you can't just be yourself anymore? That there has to exist a "game" wherein everybody has to play it? And it's always win or lose, nothing in between.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I'm torn,

2010-04-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

...because half of me wants to love the world, and everything in it; and yet, half of me wants to hate everything that breathes.

A Random Scene I Doubt I'd Ever Finish -- Just Like Everything

2010-03-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up today in a groggy state of ungodliness. Stumbling to shut off the alarm, which I purposely put on the other side of the room to force myself to get up, I tripped over my clothes-strewn floor. My head was thumping and the sunlight streaming in through the blinds across the room was making it worse.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Seeming like the most incessant sound I had ever heard in my entire life, in that moment. I thought my head was going to explode.

"God, just shut up," I grumbled as I finally made it across the maze called my living room and slammed my hand on the alarm to shut it off. When that was over, I immediately discovered that my mouth was completely parched, and thus continued towards the kitchen to fetch myself a glass of water. However, as soon as I reached the kitchen, an instant change of heart made me reach for the fridge and haphazardly chug the container of orange juice, letting the cold liquid spill down my chin, my neck, and onto my naked chest. I felt no care in the world as I aimlessly walked back towards the couch where I fell asleep in the night before and threw myself back down into the soft, warm sheets, burying my head into my pillow. I pulled the sheets up and over my shamelessly bare body, completely covering my head to shut off the bright light -- to shut off the world.

That was unlikely though because at this point, I was slowly waking up. Obviously, the horrid hangover that made me feel like I just got hit by a truck, wasn't helping. I just wanted to lay in bed all day. Mostly, it wasn't just because of the hangover. In fact, I was actually glad it was there. The pain distracted me from the overwhelming emotions I knew I was about to feel once I felt any slightly better.

Unfortunately, life wasn't going to spare me that because as I lay in the midst of my disarrayed room, feeling disgruntled and debilitated, thoughts of last night and of my affliction started flooding my head without permission, rudely interrupting my not-so-peaceful rest.

"God, you sicken me."

I felt a stab as the words echoed in my head, as loud and clear as if he was here and I was reliving the moment all over again.

"You're pathetic. I told you, it's over. Stop following me around like a lost puppy."

Tears started pricking my eyes as I felt the first wave of sadness slowly wash over me. He's right, I thought as images of myself walking around in the freezing cold, crying like an idiot and begging him to talk, if only for just a minute. I just didn't understand why.

"I told you why. I don't love you anymore."

Another wave of sadness crashed into me, and I felt my heart breaking into tiny pieces all over again. Tears slowly flowed down my cheeks, but I didn't bother to wipe them away, like last night.

"Jesus, Anna, stop your blubbering! You're embarrassing me! Who? Who is she? Her name's Claire, and she wouldn't do something this stupid in public. She's a law student and--what? Yes, she's beautiful. She's also very smart and witty. You what? Jesus, I can't understand anything you're saying. Look I have to go, let's do this--God, wipe your tears, will you!"

I unconsciously brought my hand up and wiped them away, though it was futile because they wouldn't stop. Just like the continuous way my heart wouldn't stop hurting. I pulled the blankets down and turned on my side, trying to stop thinking about it, and catching a glimpse of myself on the mirror leaning on the table across the room.

"You look godawful."

I wonder if anyone ever still comes on here?

2010-03-30T01:25:00.000-07:00

If yes, then, I'm not sure whether to say 'hello' or 'shoo!' Haha. I was hoping to post random writings on here. As much fun as Tumblr is, it's a little hard to post my writing because of my followers. Having followers seeing my every post on their dashboard makes me nervous and self-conscious. Thus, I'm back on here for a bit because, really, if anybody's reading this, I'd rather not know whilst I write.

Anyway... on to random writings...

I was a very angry, frustrated, and lost child.

2009-12-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

Funny... I was reading a really old e-mail that I sent my mother. It was dated June 30, 2006 -- a couple of months before I left for the States. It makes me uncomfortable to read it.

God, I was such an angry, frustrated, and lost child.

And yet... I had my goals in place. I knew what I wanted, and I took the risk and went for it. I came here with courage and the faith that it was for the best. I left everything in search for a better life.

But I guess life throws you into loopholes unexpectedly. I couldn't handle what it threw me, when I came here. My goals, my outlook, my values, my views were completely erased.

I was in an unfamiliar place without my friends who, during my childhood, I considered closer to me than family. And my family, the only people I had left, fucked me over.

I think I was in shock for quite a bit. Then I was in a lot of pain and sadness. Finally, I just accepted it for what it was. And I walked around like an empty shell for awhile.

I was just... more lost than I ever was.

I was just so completely, immensely, and irreparably broken. I was down, and they kept kicking me in the face.

I was shattered beyond belief, I didn't even have the state of mind to defend myself. I was bruised and traumatized into thinking that this was it and that I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't even think that I could have fought back and repaired myself -- like I always have.

My friends weren't there to help me and support me like they always have. But even without my friends, I've fared pretty well alone in the past. But this was a storm I couldn't weather, because this was a storm of betrayal caused by the people that I loved, the people that I trusted -- and that was the ultimate betrayal. I was impaled to the point that I lost the purpose for coming here. It was completely blown away from me, never to be seen again.

I went on with life as best as I could. Still a living, breathing, empty shell of a person. I skimmed through high school with just enough to pass, my straight-A student values had been gone with the storm. I didn't see any point.

But I was so blinded. I was so naive and weak. When the storm was finally clearing up, when my head was finally beginning to breathe again and my heart was in the midst of repairing itself, I realized that I had recovered too late...

The due date passed, and here I am. Neither angry, nor bitter towards what happened, though I know I should be. I'm smarter and more aware. But also, just tired. Very, very tired.

I'm exhausted and I don't know what to do next anymore.

It was only here that I finally realized how glad I am for the person I am. If it wasn't for my optimistic side, the side of me that likes to look for the silver lining, I would have probably killed myself a long time ago.

Also... this letter was dear to me. It was at the point of my absolute frustration with her. She had abandoned her children and she chucked my little brother at me and then left. Whenever she called, she asked only about my brothers. I felt unloved and rejected by my own mother, really. And in this letter, I finally told her how I felt. I was blunt and frank yet civilized and well-mannered. There was only two words of profanity that weren't even directed towards her.

I was hoping that maybe... just maybe she would finally understand me. Maybe she could finally see all the hurt that she had put me through with her drastic and frivolous decisions. I was hoping that maybe she would finally step up as a mother to her children in the ways that actually mattered.

Apparently, I was wrong. When I read her reply... well, that was basically the point in my life where I realized that my mother is immature emotionally, psychologically and mentally. And that I'd have to accept the fact that she might never really understand me. I had to move on from my mother.

It kind of hurt, but that was life, really. That was her. I did what I could from millions of miles away. The next step is hers.

....because really, when you tell you're mother that you're tired of life and all they say to you is "Thank you for what you did, be happy" well, what the fuck are you supposed to do?

What Careers Suit Your Personality?

2009-09-24T15:39:00.001-07:00

ENFP - The Inspirer

You are lucky because you are good at a variety of different things. In general you are successful at things you are interested in, however you do have a tendency to get bored easily and sometimes don't follow things through to completion. You should avoid jobs involving detailed, routine tasks and focus of careers where you have the freedom and flexibility to be creative and interact with other people. You have natural leadership skills without the need to always be in charge. This coupled with your creativity and energy allows you to inspire others and make them willing to work with you.

Some of your personality traits include:

* Project-oriented
* Bright and capable
* Warmly, genuinely interested in people; great people skills
* Extremely intuitive and perceptive about people
* Able to relate to people on their own level
* Service-oriented; likely to put the needs of others above your own
* Future-oriented
* Dislike performing routine tasks
* Need approval and appreciation from others
* Cooperative and friendly
* Creative and energetic
* Well-developed verbal and written communication skills
* Natural leaders, but do not like to control people
* Resist being controlled by others
* Can work logically and rationally - use your intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it
* Usually able to grasp difficult concepts and theories

Some of your suggested careers are:

* Consultant
* Psychologist
* Entrepreneur
* Actor
* Teacher
* Counselor
* Politician / Diplomat
* Writer / Journalist
* Television Reporter
* Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, or Computer Specialist
* Scientist
* Engineer

My dream career is in it!! :D

The Brain Dominance Test

2009-09-24T15:26:00.001-07:00

Balanced Brain: 14 Left-Brain Responses/ 16 Right Responses

Of 30 questions, 14 of your responses indicate you are left brained dominant. 16 of your responses are indications of right brain dominance. These results indicate you have a balanced brain, with no tendency to think towards either side.

Those who are middle-brain dominant tend to be more flexible than either the left or the right-brain folks; however, you often vacillate between the two hemispheres when you make decisions. You sometimes get confused when decisions need to be made because, neurologically speaking, you could do most tasks through either a left-brain or a right-brain method!

A balanced score means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain depending upon a given situation. This combination makes you a creative and flexible thinker.The down side to having a more "balanced brain" is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways. You may also find career choices difficult due to your proficiency in several different areas.

It's actually kinda true. I'm super indecisive.

Which Anime Character Are You? (Female Version)

2009-09-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

This quiz is actually pretty good and insightful... I'm surprised seeing as most quizzes on Facebook like this are bull. Plus, it's fun! (:

Alice Malvin (Pumpkin Scissors)

You are probably more well-off than others. In spite of this, you remain sensitive to the plight of those in need. In fact, you want to save everyone and try to resolve your problems through non-violent means. You try to live up to expectations, especially those of your family but can risk displeasing them if you know you're doing something right.

Just A Second Post

2009-09-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

This is a test post! I liked this layout the first time I saw it, but now that I'm using it, I'm not digging as much.

So here's a quick test:

Bold letters are shown like this.
Italic letters are shown like this.
Colors?
Colors?
Colors?
Colors?
My favorite color?

Look, I'm in the middle!

On the right?

Quotations look like this.

WELCOME BACK

2009-09-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

So, I'm opening up this blog again. I think. God, I'm unbelievably indecisive -- I hate it.

Oh well. I'm too edgy and anxious today for some reason to think of anything to write about. So just check back again some other time, I suppose.

Cheers.

GUESS WHAT?!

2009-07-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

I fucking lied! Bahahahaha!

I ran into the battle field and I carried my gun with me.
Fuck you.
I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to die without a fight!
I'm a soldier.
&& Nobody's going to make me fall.
And this time, I'm all strapped up and ready for this war.
I've planned out the most brilliant strategies and I've mapped out the best possible routes.

YOUR SURPRISE AERIAL RAID ATTACKS WON'T PHASE ME!

Rawrr!

:D

MOVED TO:

francescaaxo.tumblr.com

francescaaxo.tumblr.com

francescaaxo.tumblr.com

francescaaxo.tumblr.com

YUP! Tumble with me. (:

I Shotgunned That Shit

2009-06-26T03:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not ready to drop my guns... It's either superglued to my fingers... or... I'm just not ready to go out into the battle field unarmed.

MANNNN... I'M NOT READY TO FUCKING DIE.

I mean... there's a 99.9% chance I won't die, but shit man. You know that .1% is a fucking killer.

I've got friends, family, a whole life ahead of me... I wanted to meet a really nice guy, get married, and have children.

I can't die now. I can't fucking die now...

He said stop panicking. Said I'm being stupid. Said this isn't the worst.

Well, fuck you, Sargeant sir! I'm shitscared right now! I'm gonna fucking die. What the FUCK is worse than that?!

He said I either move it or lose it. It's do or die. Said there's no other way to prepare yourself but to just jump out there and move, move, MOVE!

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't fucking do it.

Shit... This is it... Fuck.. I'm shaking so bad, my fingers won't let go of the-- yes, sir! It's down, sir!

*sob*

I'm marching, sir.

Fuckfuckfuck. My hands feel so empty. I should turn back... now. Should I? I can't... Ah, shit...

I should've told them I'm gay. Wait, fuck. That wouldn't have worked...

You know what? Fuck it.

I'm going in.

This is it.

It's do or DIE.