Reform

Just re-read that last post and wow. That was a rant. But I feel better. I had such a fantastic day today, I can't let one rant ruin me. I need to be more positive! So here's a positive post.

I went to the volunteer event today. I was so nervous. When I was getting ready, I questioned whether I should go. When I was walking out of the train station, I paused and almost turned around. I was terrified. When I walked into the office for the volunteers 20 minutes too early, I was scared out of my wits and regretting the decision. I'm terribly shy and was never good at these social gatherings. What was I doing here? It's for the kids, I said to myself. And honestly, it was also for me. Part of the reason I wanted to do the event was to find a good way to get comfortable in social situations.

Well, I pushed through with it and I'm so proud of myself! I walked home practically glowing. I like being social. And I'm good at it. But my self-esteem is so low that it's difficult to start the process/get myself out the door. Besides, I'm not proud of where I am in life, so talking about myself isn't exactly a strong suit of mine. But I have to start somewhere. And I'm glad I started here. I can't wait to keep reaching out in the community. They have a great toy drive this year for upwards of a thousand kids, and that's something I'm very excited to do.

I did a lot of thinking this past week too. There are some things that are very clear to me now:

• I need to let go. Very slowly, very painfully. A process that needs to be done everyday. I need to teach myself not to wallow, which is what happens when I write long posts like that. Though writing does get it out of the way for me. I feel much better.
   
• There's something very specific that I'm looking for. Something that might compromise my comfort level, because it's not here. Mama used to say that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Sacrifices have to be made. But this requires a lot of thought, with very little time.
  
• I know I don't want to grow up. But it's happening regardless of what I want. I need to find a way to deal with that. Deal with things that I'm avoiding. Another part of the reason I volunteered is to better myself as a person.

I'm scared. But I can't let it stop me. There are things I want, and I am going to take it no matter how hard I have to work.