Tear Down The Wall

I had a moment of clarity today.

It's funny. I hadn't meant to delve into such an intimate topic. I meant to talk only about his letters, and my growing interest. But, of course, the topic had somehow routed itself back to that dark place. However, spilling my inner, unspoken desires to Z felt like I had surfaced out of the water after a long swim. I felt like I could breathe. It was fantastic. It was exciting. It was terrifying.

Tomorrow, I thought. There is a tomorrow. And I can see it.

My chest ached, and my stomach was in knots. Z had to reign in her own excitement. And I was glad for it. It's going to be a terribly tough road. She understands. But I see where I want to go now. And I feel determined to get there no matter what. No matter how terrified out of my wits I am.

I'm tired of how it's been. This wall I've been hitting needs to be taken down. And if I must pick up an axe and tear it down myself, I will.

It's going to be hard to shift with the wind. And to shed the skin that I've long clung onto for comfort all this time. Especially since I want to be honest as I go along the way. I will lose people, and just that thought makes me panic. But I need to. I need to.

I'm learning. I'm moving. I'm growing. I'm living. And I'm finding the pieces that fit in my life, and getting rid of those that I have tried to shove in place despite knowing they just don't fit.