Being sick is strange. You're so vulnerable to your own emotions, and needs, whether it's physical or emotional. And you almost, almost feel inclined to indulge yourself. Like the world owes you these spoils because it made you sick.
And I don't like that feeling.
I laughed all day today. Because when I'm tired and drugged up, I, for some reason, think everything is hilarious. Which is supposed to be nice. And which people took advantage of. But it's strange as well. Stranger than sickness. It's kind of scary. Laughing all day at everything.
I can't wait to feel better.
The holidays are coming up. I'm going to try and be positive. Though I know it's going to be a really tough process. The winds are blowing and the season is changing. I've enjoyed some time to play, but I'll have to start picking up my toys again and rebuilding some things.
And I have to remind myself to breath. Or I'll drown again in the process. I can't afford to.
And I also have to remind myself that there will be no hand to hold -- and that has to be okay, too.
It's funny. When I was a child, I felt like an adult, with everything that I had to do. I grew up too fast. I forgot, sometimes, that I was a child, or what childhood meant. I had no hand to hold, and I adapted. Now that I'm an adult, I feel like a child sometimes. Lost in a mall, alone and terrified. Where am I going? What am I doing? Am I doing this right? I need someone.
And when I feel like the rug underneath me was pulled, I have to remember...
"You realize that a lot of adulthood is pretty much feeling your way around, right?" he said once. "The difference is that, you do have the presence of mind to plan ahead. But not everyone who grows up has a set path to take, and even then, there are always obstacles that arise. Sometimes being adult is like being a child. You adapt to your situation. You find ways to get what you want, and still stay who you are."
I wish you were still here, A. You always knew what to say, when I needed it.
