Why are we always attracted to the things that we can't have?
I've been feeling really strange again lately. Not really sad. I've been in a frightfully decent mood actually. It's difficult... because there're so many things going on, but all I really want to do is sit in a corner and sleep. Despite that, I've been doing a fairly decent job of doing what I have to do.
I don't understand though... I feel a bit... lost...
My job becomes so routine sometimes that it doesn't need much thought. And when it does, I do not feel the desire to think too much of it. Instead, my mind wanders to other things -- useless to others yet, somehow, very important to me.
I wonder if these thoughts come with age... Lately, I've been struggling with identity. Who am I really? What are my values? What do I stand for? Why am I here? Where am I going? Why do I react to these things positively and yet to those things negatively? I used to like this, but now I do not... why so?
It might be related, not sure if directly or not, to that emptiness. Strange, the closer I get to achieving the things I want, the bigger the hole becomes. Every day feels lonelier than yesterday. I hate admitting it too. I should be okay with being alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact, it should be liberating. And it is! But it doesn't fill in that hole.
My heart feels very crowded, my brain is fuzzy, and my body is always tired. Sometimes I feel like just falling apart.
That's what it is...!
Huh. I think I figured myself out in writing this.
Hmm... It's embarrassing... I don't even want to write it...
I'm obviously not satisfied with the life that I live. Every day, I feel the pressure to keep pushing forward, and I do. But I get tired -- physically, mentally, emotionally. So much so that I just want to give up. And yet I don't... I suppose this is where my identity comes in.
This is where my values and my beliefs should come in. Why do I keep doing this? What do I believe in? I'm working so hard... why?
But they don't exist... I don't know why I'm working so hard...
What is my end goal?
Fuck. Even thinking about it gives me a headache. I'm so out of touch with my emotions. I just want to curl up in my bed and read. I want to get lost in a book.
I am very grateful for everything yet, I despise my everyday life.
澄麗ちゃん , I understand how you feel. Nagmamahal ng taong may magandang trabaho at edukasyon dahil meron syang panaginip, silakbo, at maganda parin ang personalidad niya. Dahil un ang hinahanap, but trying so hard na hindi naman nakakaenjoy. Laging ninenerbyos. Hindi alam kung ano ang sasabihin. Pero uuwi sa iba dahil hinahanap ang ginhawa ng ibang kamay.
Well... I understand your loneliness, your fear of asking people for help because, why would they help you? Because you fear being a burden to them. I understand being comfortable just being alone, yet feeling lonely. I understand the need of finding someone who is able to merge their lives comfortably with yours. Of being in the presence of someone and not having to try so hard to be someone else. Of finding those comforting arms, comforting words, to come home to after a long day. Of finding someone independent yet still feeling very much needed and loved.
That is the hole that cannot be filled.
I understand the inner struggle of wanting to be independent and strong, yet wanting to be saved at the same time. I understand, mostly, not being able to cry in front of anybody else.
However, I do not have a 武志ちゃん to fill my emptiness.
...what was the point of this post?
I need to change the address of this blog... I'm pretty sure nobody reads this... but for some reason... it bothers me that someone might...
