I walk around every day in a state of half-wakefulness, half-comatose, eyes painted with dreams unreachable and burning with sorrow bursting to spill, and fill every crevice of a canyon.
What a hypocrite I am. Cold and quiet, dismissing any thought of being tied down. Yet in frigid darkness my heart longs for understanding, my head craves words of sense, and my body desires to be held close and tight.
Years ago, when those around me dreamt of perfect weddings and sweet boys, I laughed in their face and declared it unnecessary.
"Love," I spat with a rueful smile. "Is for weak fools."
And yet I turned around and cried alone.
I am a hypocrite, and I admit it. I suppose I was just angry that I did not have anyone who loved me. I watched alone and in a corner as they walked around with laughs and hugs and words of encouragement. My tongue spewed wretched words that reflected the bitterness I felt everyday. My hatred was simply spurned by loneliness and my old friend, the green-eyed monster.
I want to sleep, but I don't want tomorrow to come just yet.
I'm tired of being angry and bitter, but I've felt that for most of my life, I don't know how else to feel. Especially now.
Somewhere in my dreams awaits a knight in shining armor. And though I detest being the damsel in distress, that is what I am now.
Perhaps I can be the damsel in distress that can wield a sword. I don't have to be so pathetic, right? I can at least fight the daily battles of life until he comes.
If he exists, which most of myself believes I am absolutely crazy for even wanting a knight in shining armor. Those kinds of guys don't exist.
I don't even need a perfect man. Perfection is God. We are human beings, the absolute definition of imperfection. And what is love but acceptance of the other persons blemishes? And what is a relationship but a journey towards the same horizon which consists of learning to travel together through thick and thin?
I simply need someone that will understand my weird quirks. That understands that sometimes I just need to be alone, but sometimes I also like to talk a lot -- about my day, their day, philosophy, current events, history, and anything and everything under the stars. That sometimes I don't even like to talk at all. I simply want to be in their presence. Like reading in the same room as them. I like cuddling. A lot. I like napping. A lot too. I'd love having meals. I'd marry a man that can cook good food. I sometimes space out into my own world, but that doesn't mean I don't care at all. I simply get carried away by ideas or thoughts that pop into my head. Someone who understands that it's good to plan, but also that sometimes it's also good to just wing it. Someone who can have a good time doing almost anything. Most things entertain me, I'm not very hard to please. I like watching movies, listening to music, watching sports, playing sports, walking around in the city, driving around, playing video games, trying new food, window shopping, going to events, laying in bed all day, going to record stores, going to thrift stores, going to the beach, dancing, singing, hiking, fixing things, building things, drawing things, watching a show all day, all night -- someone who understands that as long as we're together, and they're happy, I am happy.
Simple. Because life is complicated enough. Why complicate it even more? We're supposed to bring joy, encouragement, and support to each other. Life does a good job of pushing us down, we should be able to turn to each other and pull each other up.
Well... this was a very long post with no direction -- again.
Good night.
