The Past

I wrote my last entry at 1 AM last night in between bouts of yawns and stretches. And as soon as I finished re-reading it (and shrugging off all the grammatically wrong mistakes and spellings), I completely just dozed off, almost forgetting to put my laptop away.

Anyway, somewhere in between there, I thought about what I wrote and the sadness I was starting to feel. I didn't like it. I'm glad it was only a dull pang. I've struggled against it for so long and I've succeeded in healing little by little. Eventually, I want to be able to overcome it.

My family is insane -- it's a given. Anyone who truly knows me knows this as a fact. Everybody has told me to move away and disconnect myself from them. Growing up, I've watched them slowly sink into the depths of tragedy. A lot of this has to do with too much pride and, most importantly, a stubborn attachment to the past. Or, as I have learned from all these years, an inability to let go of it.

I've noticed myself ponder on the past a lot. Yesterday, for example, I went through my old e-mail and re-read the e-mails I've sent and received from friends back home. I know I definitely should not forget them, but at the same time, I need to learn to accept that they're not in my life anymore. And I need to be okay with that.

As I felt the sadness and nostalgia from reading it, I also felt some fear. The last thing I wanted was to slowly turn into my family -- always blaming things on others and the past.

This is definitely a life lesson that I need to remember all the time.

I wonder if I can find a quote about it...? Hmm...