A tidal wave of information, events, people, and situations, a blur of confusion, and then nothingness: my typical day. At the end of the day, I’m drenched, disoriented, and exhausted – enough to lull me into a deep sleep, only to awake to the same vicious cycle. When did this start? I honestly cannot answer that accurately. I’ve been drowning in the sea of Life lately and have just been barely floating by. I’m surprised I’m still alive, really.
I’m not sure when I fell off the boat again. I swear I was just cruising on by life on a ship that may not have been luxury, but it was enough to keep me going. I was finally captain of the ship once more. I had drawn a map and I had set sail, determined to rough the storms and reach my destination. And indeed, I had weathered many storms, even some where my ship came out tattered and my sail had torn through, but the skies were clear, the sun was shining, and I was alive. I survived.
Then I reached a whole different sort of ocean. Everything was quite foreign: the fish, the weather, and the water. Storms came raging through like rapid fire, one after the other, after the other. I remember the ocean itself had roughed my boat up. One of the bigger storms had turned my boat irreparable – or so I thought. I met a few fellow voyagers who managed to help me patch my ship up, and amazingly and thankfully enough, I was on my way – with my fellow voyagers who’ve been keeping me company and making the sunshine after the storms much more enjoyable and worthwhile – or so I thought.
I hit a rock somewhere. I’m not quite sure where, but apparently it wasn’t that huge because I kept going. I didn’t tell my fellow voyagers the incident for fear they’d leave me behind. I didn’t have anything to repair it with, but I’d been in this situation before, I found sufficient help on the way, and I survived. I can do it again. Or so I thought. A barrage of natural epidemics came shattering through the clear skies suddenly on a clear, unsuspecting night. I was caught off guard. But still, I fought it. And… I failed. My ship sunk. I thought I could handle it. I couldn’t. How pathetic.
What’s worse was that in the confusion, my fellow voyagers had drifted away from me. For awhile they went on without me. They were quite confused and worried about my absence. But the waves were pushing them forward. This is an ocean of no return, and as much as they’d like to come back for me, I’d have to fare this one on my own. But they’re still there, on the periphery of my almost delusional vision, willing to help as much as they can.
It’s been weeks since I’ve been floating through this ocean on a mere plank. I’m not sure how I’m still alive, maybe there are miracles. Or maybe this is a curse, a punishment of some sort? Either way, everyday is a struggle. The ocean is huge and I’m this small, tiny, speck of nothingness on its surface. Other ships have been passing by, I’ve tried to holler for help but I’ve become too weak. They can never hear me. Either way, I’ve given up. I’m not waiting for a miracle, just an island to rest, to regain my strength, my health, and my mind to build a new ship.
But so far, that mere prospect is seeming like an impossibility with each passing moment. I’ve drifted far, it’s dark, my fellow voyagers have no choice but just to watch from beyond, I lost my map, and I’m in a foreign ocean. I’m tired and my sense of direction is at its worst. I’m suddenly questioning myself, my existence, my purpose, my direction. Where was I going again? Why couldn’t I handle that storm and this new ocean? Why am I still alive? What is my purpose for still being here? Will I ever find a way forward? A million questions flooding my mind, like the ocean flooding the floors of the earth, sometimes so overwhelming I forget to breathe—to function.
Suddenly the sheer simple tasks of daily necessities are rendered senseless. What more the other responsibilities I had happily undertaken? Oh, why this crisis at this time?
Right now, I see islands ahead of me – hope. Answers?
Geez-uz. It’s 3am and I’m babbling about ships. COOL WHIP! :]
